my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, June 24, 2012

life goes on

Every day I marvel at the little person growing up before my eyes. I thank God for him a hundred times a day. Most days I can't believe he is mine. Lately, I have spent a lot of time wondering about the "why's" in this world. Why Trent? Why me? Why Ken? Why Ian? I know I will never fully understand the reasons Trent's time was so short. I will always wonder and hope. I do know that my sweet boy and his short life made me a better person. He made me understand love in a way I didn't know possible. I know he has touched more lives than I will ever understand.

 My sweet Ian has been through his share of trials!! This last surgery and hospital stay was awful! I had so many people tell me that God must have BIG plans for Ian! When I think about how hard we fought to get him here and how much he has endured his first year I am amazed! And, he is ALWAYS so happy! He is such a sweet natured boy. He laughs, plays, and melts my heart all day every day. I wonder what God has for him? I wonder where he will go. I wonder who he will become. I can't wait to watch. I pray every day that God will give me the guidance to raise him in such a way that is pleasing to Him. I want to teach him all there is to know! I want to show him how to be a loving, caring husband like Ken.

 Being a mom is a big job!! The moments I share with Ian are amazing. I love watching him learn and grow. I just pray I am doing it to God's glory.

 It has been almost 2 and a half years since I said goodbye to Trent. I really didn't believe life would ever go on. I didn't think I could ever have joy. But, Ian is here. I will always ache for my first...but my life has continued.

Thursday, June 14, 2012


Ian just had is third surgery. THIRD. He is only 12 months old! It doesn't seem right. Last Friday morning I changed his diaper and saw what I thought was a bug bite. I happened to have another mommy friend over and asked her to look at it. She felt it and said it looked more like a hernia to her. I never want to freak out. I never want to over react. So, I just put Ian down for a nap and got ready for the day. After I got out of the shower I googled hernia and looked at all the pictures. The descriptions and pictures looked JUST like Ian. UGH!!! I called his pedi and described all the symptoms. They had us come right in. I really wasn't worried. I was SURE they would say he was fine. I even kept looking in his diaper to see if the red bump went away. I ALWAYS second guess myself. I was sure they would come in the room and there would be nothing there. Ken was home so he came with me. The first PA came in and looked and felt it. Ian was in a lot of pain any time anyone touched it. Poor little guy :( But, as soon as his diaper was back on he was up and playing like nothing was wrong. The PA texted the doctor and called another PA in to look at it. They both said it looked and felt just like a hernia. Ian's pedi said we needed to go straight to the hospital for an ultrasound. They called ahead for us. We had to go to the ER. It was PACKED!! They didn't have a room for us so put us on a bed in the hallway...for 5 hours. Ian had an ultrasound. We waited for answers. He had a few doctors look at his groin. The swelling was getting pretty bad. It was getting so big so fast! Again, Ian was acting FINE. You would have NO idea anything was wrong! He was laughing and playing. He was slightly cranky because he needed a nap. Another doctor finally came over to tell us that it was a hernia and would need to be operated on right away. He said they were going to transport us via ambulance to Lubbock. He told us there were no pediatric surgeons in our town. My head was spinning!!! I felt dizzy from all the information they were giving us. I IMMEDIATELY got on the phone and called the surgeon who did his hypospadis repair. We had just seen her the day before for follow up to surgery. She said she could not believe a hernia would present in just 24 hours. She wanted him in Lubbock. She did not want them operating on him in Midland. Ken and I had not eaten all day and it was now about 5 in the afternoon. We were both feeling the stress, lack of food, and fear!! Another doctor joined us in the hall and said Ian's pedi had called in a favor and found a surgeon to do it here. The two surgeons came to meet and talk with us. The one man told us that the swelling was happening so quickly probably because his bowels were dying. Ken asked about what kind of incisions would be made. The female surgeon said they would make a 3 inch insicion in his groin and a 5 inch incision on his chest! She said they would take his intestines out, remove the dead part, and put them back in. ALL of this information is being given to us in the HALL of the ER!!! As soon as we signed consent for surgery it was a flurry. Three nurses came to try and start an IV (STILL IN THE HALL). After 3 failed attempts the surgeon called it barbaric and said they would start the IV once he was in surgery. They then wheeled us up to the OR waiting room. It was AWFUL! They came to ask all kinds of medical history questions. They assessed him. And, then next thing we knew he was gone. The surgeon told us it could be several hours. About an hour and fifteen minutes after surgery started they came out to tell us they were done!! She said they did not find a hernia but instead an abscessed lymph node. The male surgeon said had we not gotten him in when we did it could have been "catostrophic." We were soon reunited with our sweet boy. We spent an hour in post-op and then he was admitted over night. He was discharged the next morning on antibiotics. We came home and took a nice long nap. I changed his diaper around 6 and noticed the swelling was VERY bad around the surgical site. It had also started to spread down his leg. I waited another hour or so and looked again...getting worse. I called his pedi back and texted pictures. They wanted us back to the hospital ASAP. He was admitted for 72 hours of IV fluids and antibiotics. The whole time he acted FINE! He played, laughed, giggled. You would never have known!! I can't even fathom what would have happened had I not shown the "bug bite" to my friend. I don't even want to think about it. It was a HARD 5 days. I am so very thankful he is fine! He will always have the scar on his groin. But, he is here and now healthy!
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