my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Change

Would you change it all if you could? Would you go back and do it again? What if changing it meant you had to give up what you know now...what you have now. I can't imagine life without Ian. And the sad truth is I can no longer imagine life with Trent. Because I don't get to. I don't get the chance. I want to change it. I want a different story. I want to be who I was. The girl before my son died. I want to be ER again. Or do I? Do I really? I loved Trent with every ounce of my soul while he was alive. I still love him. His life and death changed me. Changed every single thing about me. Ian changed me in so many other ways. Trent's death redefined my life. Everything changed. The way I looked at the world, the way I moved in he world, the way I walked in the world. All of it. So, the question remains would I change it if i could? If it meant I could keep both of my boys, yes. Would you?

2 comments:

Erica said...

I too have struggled with this idea of "changing the past". If we did not lose our first son, C, then we wouldnt have our Twins now. If we didnt have the Twins then we wouldnt have gotten the chance to conceive our 4th son M. Losing M has essentially saved my life, literally! Now, would I go back and change the pain, the hurt, the difficult journey of course! However, if I did then I wouldnt have all that I have now. I wouldnt be who I am now. Tough question! It just flat out sucks that we are in the position of losing babies in the first place.

Michele said...

No. I can honestly say that I wouldnt. Nick and Sophie would be five in Feb, Alex four in Aug, and Bobby & Maya turn 3 in Sept. I cant imagine a world where I wasnt mom to all of them, even if it means that I couldnt mother them all into adulthood. It hurts. The pain of losing them will always remain, but the love is greater. It took me a long time to come to a place of acceptance, where the love outweighed the pain, but I can tell you truly, that I'd relive my life again.

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