my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Day 3 - self after loss

This entire blog is my journey after loss ... So I don't need to explain the after me ...

This picture was thanksgiving day. I woke up sobbing ... I really didn't want to face the holidays without him. I was 11 weeks pregnant with ian. My cerclage was not in place so I was in constant fear my cervix was failing. As thankful as I am for Ian his pregnancy was not easy!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day 2 - me before loss

I wish I would have believed more, had more faith in God. I wish I would have laughed more, not cried every time I left the fertility doctor. I wish I would have enjoyed life a little more and not have been so desperate to be a mom. Once I was married the need to be a mom seem to consume my thoughts. I wish I would have trusted more.

I honestly can't remember being her anymore. She died on jan 5. Innocence shattered. Once a parent watches her child take his last breath ...there is no going back. The change is too great. The memory of the nurse taking his heart beat one last time, pronouncing him dead, signing his death certificate, talking to the morgue about his are never the same.

But, the change is not all bad. I love more freely now. I had never felt soul shaking, heart wrenching pain until Trent died. I know it now. I can walk with others as they experience life and love more, listen better, cry along ... The change wasn't all bad...

Monday, October 1, 2012

Day one - capture your grief

October is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Did you know one in four pregnancies end in loss?? These are not "just" miscarriages as some would think. These are babies. Children that were wished for, prayed for, hoped for, dreamed for. These losses were part of the parents soul gone forever.

I am joining a movement this month of 31 days of pictures capturing our grief along the way. It has been nearly three years since the nurses laid Trent in my arms for me to hold him until he died. Three years. The grief is much different than it was in those early days. But, always present.

Imagine your first born ... Her smile, his giggle, the sound of his voice as he calls you "mommy.". That is what I am missing every single day. He is gone. His life too short. I didn't just lose a baby that day ... I lost my son.

This month we remember all babies lost....miscarried at 4 weeks or still born at 40. Each loss was/is a loss of a previous life.

Today we captured pictures of the sun rising. I remember the day after trent died everyone that came into my hospital room wanted to open the blinds for me. They would say I needed some sun. I refused to let them. I didn't want to see light. I didn't want to see the world that was still moving around me. I wanted him back. Now Three years later I am grateful for those that pushed me back into the light. I thank God daily for Ian who is my ray of sunshine.

I am blessed.
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