my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day 2 - me before loss

I wish I would have believed more, had more faith in God. I wish I would have laughed more, not cried every time I left the fertility doctor. I wish I would have enjoyed life a little more and not have been so desperate to be a mom. Once I was married the need to be a mom seem to consume my thoughts. I wish I would have trusted more.

I honestly can't remember being her anymore. She died on jan 5. Innocence shattered. Once a parent watches her child take his last breath ...there is no going back. The change is too great. The memory of the nurse taking his heart beat one last time, pronouncing him dead, signing his death certificate, talking to the morgue about his are never the same.

But, the change is not all bad. I love more freely now. I had never felt soul shaking, heart wrenching pain until Trent died. I know it now. I can walk with others as they experience life and love more, listen better, cry along ... The change wasn't all bad...


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