my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Sunday, December 30, 2012

How can I ask for more?

Before Thanksgiving I heard a song, or a sermon, or just someone's thought ...

"How can I ask for more?"

I have been rolling that question around in my head for weeks.  I made a note of it in my cell phone.  I flip to it daily.  It says nothing more than that question.

God has given me so much.

How can I ask for more?

A few weeks before this question got stuck on my heart another question had been there too ...

Were we ready for another child?

From the time I was a little girl the only thing I wanted was to be a wife and mommy.  I am both of those things.  I fail daily at them. I try to be the best I can be.  But, I am human.  How can I ask for more?

After Trent died the thought of another child consumed my every waking minute.  I NEEDED to hold another baby, MY baby.  I needed it.  I was not complete without it.  After Ian was born Ken and I have said 100 times if he is the only living child God gives us to raise he is enough.  But, then the question crept into my head....maybe one more?

But, I don't know?  How can I ask for more?  How can I ask for more than the love and joy that Ian brings me daily?  How can I think I deserve another chance...a #3??

I asked Ken and he agreed he has been thinking we wanted one more.  Still, how can I ask for more?

It seems unfair to ask for more than I have already been given.  So, I didn't ask.

I didn't.

But, God answered anyway.

Weatherford baby #3 is due to join our little family in August!!!

Shock is the only word to describe it.  I have known for a little over a week and still it feels strange!

Pregnant, again.

I have thanked God a thousand times, and prayed for a spirit of peace this pregnancy, and more asked could I please bring this one home.

#3.

God is so good.


 
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