my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Friday, January 4, 2013

Core values

During my pregnancy with Ian I attended a workshop. One of the questions asked by the speaker was about our core values. A man sitting at my table said "I don't care what happens in life, your core values never change."

I disagree.

Three years ago tonight I was in labor with my first born son. The contractions were 3-5 minutes apart for hours at a time with no relief. I was very very sick with an infection in my blood. Doctors came in and out of the room all night. At 3 am I could no longer make decisions on my own. Ken had to decide if they would assist my labor to save my life. "You and ken can have other children. There will never be another you."

5 hours after the doctors started to help my labor progress my son was born. Living, breathing, kicking. I laid him on my chest. I kissed him. I held him close. 22 minutes later the nurse pronounced him dead.

They took him from me to weigh, measure, get hand prints. I asked for him back. "He is cold now honey."

Those words change you to the core.

The child you gave life too is gone and all that is left is his cold, lifeless body.

When ken finally arrived to hold him they wrapped him in warm blankets so ken could feel his warmth.

My entire life shifted that day.

Nothing that was important from before was important anymore.

It took months if not years to redefine my core values. But, they are different. I love different. My faith is different. My heart is different. I see the world different. Relationships changed. My whole world shifted. And not all for the bad. In fact most changes have been for the better. I am stronger than I knew. I love with my whole heart. I mother differently than i would have.

3 whole years
 
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