my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

20 weeks

I am 20 weeks pregnant with my 3rd precious one tomorrow.  20 weeks! 20 weeks is a scary time for me.  I was admitted to the hospital with Trent at 20 weeks and 5 days.  He was born at 21 weeks and 3 days.  A woman with an incompetent cervix, like myself, will generally go into preterm labor with little to no signs somewhere between 18-24 weeks.  The chance of survival for a baby born that early is zero.  I am nervous.  NOTHING like the nerves I was feeling with Ian's pregnancy.  I would sob into the phone to my mom.  I remember one night she told me, "maybe just one glass of wine tonight would help."

I remember laying in bed night after night BEGGING God to let me keep Ian.  I would sob and sob.  I would plan his funeral.  I would plan how I would tell my family that I lost another one.  But, that wasn't my story.  Ian came into this world perfect and living!

This pregnancy is not nearly as difficult for me.  Yes, I still am throwing up almost every single morning.  (I was not sick this long with either boy!) Yes, my blood pressure is giving me some issues. Yes, I am still high risk. BUT, I have a precious baby boy snoring next to me.

I didn't know my babies could live during Ian's pregnancy.  An incompetent cervix is a death sentence without a cerclage.  I have come to know many, many woman who have lost one, two, three precious children before a doctor would agree to place a cerclage during pregnancy.  There is no "cure" for an incompetent cervix.  I will always have it.  But, thank the Lord there is a fix during pregnancy.  My cerclage has been in place for nearly six weeks with no trouble.

This pregnancy I lay in bed and worry about how I will juggle two car seats, how I will be able to nurse two babies (since Ian sees no need to wean), how I will ever get enough sleep, how I will ever love another baby as much as I love Ian.  And, there are the nights that creep in that I wonder what it would be like to have all three of them.

The next four weeks are a scary time. My nurse calls them the "danger" weeks.  I am trusting God, my cerclage, and the weekly injections of 17p to keep this little one safe and sound.
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved