my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

20 weeks

I am 20 weeks pregnant with my 3rd precious one tomorrow.  20 weeks! 20 weeks is a scary time for me.  I was admitted to the hospital with Trent at 20 weeks and 5 days.  He was born at 21 weeks and 3 days.  A woman with an incompetent cervix, like myself, will generally go into preterm labor with little to no signs somewhere between 18-24 weeks.  The chance of survival for a baby born that early is zero.  I am nervous.  NOTHING like the nerves I was feeling with Ian's pregnancy.  I would sob into the phone to my mom.  I remember one night she told me, "maybe just one glass of wine tonight would help."

I remember laying in bed night after night BEGGING God to let me keep Ian.  I would sob and sob.  I would plan his funeral.  I would plan how I would tell my family that I lost another one.  But, that wasn't my story.  Ian came into this world perfect and living!

This pregnancy is not nearly as difficult for me.  Yes, I still am throwing up almost every single morning.  (I was not sick this long with either boy!) Yes, my blood pressure is giving me some issues. Yes, I am still high risk. BUT, I have a precious baby boy snoring next to me.

I didn't know my babies could live during Ian's pregnancy.  An incompetent cervix is a death sentence without a cerclage.  I have come to know many, many woman who have lost one, two, three precious children before a doctor would agree to place a cerclage during pregnancy.  There is no "cure" for an incompetent cervix.  I will always have it.  But, thank the Lord there is a fix during pregnancy.  My cerclage has been in place for nearly six weeks with no trouble.

This pregnancy I lay in bed and worry about how I will juggle two car seats, how I will be able to nurse two babies (since Ian sees no need to wean), how I will ever get enough sleep, how I will ever love another baby as much as I love Ian.  And, there are the nights that creep in that I wonder what it would be like to have all three of them.

The next four weeks are a scary time. My nurse calls them the "danger" weeks.  I am trusting God, my cerclage, and the weekly injections of 17p to keep this little one safe and sound.


Michele said...

Fingers crossed and many, many prayers for you and your little one. :)

Mary said...

Lots and lots of prayers that this little one continues to grow!

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