my journey through the loss of my first son and the life of my second

Thursday, July 4, 2013


I remember laying in my hospital bed the first day I was admitted. There had been a steady stream of doctors and nurses in my room all day preparing me for the death of my unborn son.  I had had tests run, ivs started, and been prepared for the end. It was New Year's Eve. I was in a hospital in Orlando close enough to Disney that we could see the fireworks from the hospital room. I made ken close the curtains. And, I sobbed. I could still hear them of course. I could feel Trent kicking me.  But, I was being prepared for the end. I remember thinking "how can the world still be celebrating?"  

Maybe it is the hormones that come with pregnancy ... Maybe it is that all holidays are hard when one child is in heaven ... Maybe it is that tomorrow marks 3.5 years since I kissed his tiny face ... Maybe it is that grief is always there ... I missed him today.

At least a dozen times today I thought, "this is our last holiday as a family of three." Gracie will be here in a few weeks. But, I kept stopping myself. I don't want to imagine losing her too. But, it is always there. God willing, this is the last holiday we will share without her.

We let Ian miss bed time by 2 hours tonight. He was so excited by the fireworks. He was sure it was "popcorn." This boy brings me such joy. He fills my life with a joy I didn't think would ever happen again. I couldn't help but think tonight that someone, somewhere was hearing or seeing the fireworks and could no longer see the joy.

I thank God daily for my son and husband. And I pray his protection over Gracie. 

Holidays are never easy. But, I am blessed to have spent tonight watching my child's face light up as the sky was filled with fireworks.
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