such a short time - such a long road

2 years 2 weeks 3 days

2012-01-22T21:51:00.003-06:00

The grief never ends. I know I have said this a million times. But, sometimes I have to remind myself ... or others ... mostly myself. I will never wake up and it be over. I will never wake up and have him here.

My life will be filled with moments that I wish I had my whole family. Each milestone or special occasion that passes my heart yearns for him.

A few weeks back we decided to have Ian dedicated in church. The paper work came in the mail for me to fill out. The last question asked for the names and ages of siblings. I just kind of stared at the paper all day. As the years pass I still have not figured out how to fit my sons life and death into these every day, ordinary things. That question is still the hardest to answer. I prayed about it all day. I never really got peace about what to put. I finally just folded the paper and dropped it back in the mail ... with that last question blank.

I needed a scripture that would be read during Ian's dedication. I spent hours trying to find the perfect one. The last time I had tried to find a scripture for one of my sons had been Trent's funeral. I had the story of Hannah read at his funeral. She prayed and prayed for a child and once the Lord granted her she gave him back to the Lord. I love the story. I could feel it in my bones when it was read at Trent's funeral. I had prayed for years for a child...and once I had him I gave him back.

I searched for hours for what I wanted read for Ian today. I know no one will remember what I chose, but I needed it to be perfect. I ended up with Psalm 127:3-5

Sons are a heritage from the Lord,
children a reward from him.
4Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one’s youth.
5Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Two boys may not seem like a full quiver to many ... but for me it is. Ian and Trent are my reward from Him.

After Ken read the scripture the pastor asked, "Is Ian your first?" This pastor is new to the church and does not know us or our history. I have a hard time answering this question when I am in line at Target with no one around to hear me stumble of the answer...but this morning I had a whole sanctuary full waiting for my reply. There were many in the room that knew that Trent was already in heaven. I answered without hesitation, "No, we have one already in heaven." It was so perfect. I had prayed and prayed about including Trent as Ian's big brother today or not. I had questioned how to make it happen without it being strange. In the end I left him out ... but God had him put back in. The pastor prayed for Ian and included Trent in the prayer. It was beautiful.

It is not easy. I never know how or when to include him. If Trent was alive and a squirmy, wild 2 year old he would have stood on stage with us...no question about it. But, because he has already gone to heaven...I never know how to handle it.

It will be a life long question.

But, for today God gave us the answer and both of my boys were recognized.

Happy Birthday!

2012-01-05T22:50:00.001-06:00

Dearest Trent,
Mommy cried today as we sung you happy birthday. I know your party in heaven is much better than any I could have thrown you here...but I wish I had the chance :(. My heart hurt all day for you ... Of course that is nothing new my heart always hurts for you. I cant believe you are two. Tonight as we ate your birthday cake your daddy said your cake was "just what any two year old would want." what is heaven like? Do you play with other angel babies? Can you see us? Ian even tried your cake today! When I get to heaven I plan to hug and kiss you for a VERY long time ;). Be prepared ;). I wish so much I was watching you grow. I wish I knew what your favorite food was... I made dinner for us tonight and wanted so badly to be making your favorite meal. I wish I knew the things that made you giggle, the things that make you cry, I wish I knew what it felt like to rock you to sleep. I wish I knew what your little voice sounds like when you whisper 'mommy' ... Oh how I wish I could hear you say mommy. I miss you sweet boy. I miss having you with me. I know heaven is perfect and you are okay there. I just wish you were laying next to me tonight as I tell you a bedtime story. You have my heart sweet Trent.
Love forever,
Mommy

can it be

2012-01-03T21:48:00.005-06:00

Can it really be 2 whole years?? We are two days away from the two year mark. It just doesn't seem right.

I had to take Ian to a doctors appt about 2 hours away from our home today. I had a lot of time to think on the drive there and back. I cried a lot. My heart doesn't remember what it is like to not hurt. My head understands all of the reasons why he is in heaven. I know the medical facts. I know that my body can't carry a baby to term without assistance. My head knows that he is in a better place. My head understands that I will see him again one day. My head understands that time continues to move forward. But, my heart...my heart just doesn't get it. Can someone please explain it to my heart?

My heart doesn't understand how I continued to breath. My heart wants to be planning a birthday party. I want to kiss him one more time.

Two years.

I should be 'over it' by now. Or so people say. But, how? How do you ever get over the life of your child? Not only the life but watching that life end before you? He took his last breath in my arms. His heart stopped beating as he lay against mine. How can it be?

Ian is healing. The joy my heart finds in watching Ian grow is indescribable. I love this little boy more than words can say. I just wish I had them both.

I looked in my rear view mirror today and watched as Ian played with the monkey hanging from his car seat. At 7.5 months old he is very aware of his surroundings. I looked at him and thought how amazing it would be to have two car seats behind me. I wish my life was crazy and chaotic with a two year old and a 7.5 month old.

This week is hard. I continue to relive the week in the hospital. Two years ago tonight I was told I would be moved out of ICU to the floor for women who were on hospital bed rest. They believed in me. Ken was scheduled to fly home. None of us knew I already had an infection. None of us knew that labor would start in just a few short hours.

No one knew the impact Trent's life would have.

How can it be 2 years already?

if only

2011-12-30T01:06:00.002-06:00

if only i could go back in time

if only i could go back to two years ago today

if only i could remember what it felt like to be whole again

if only i could know what it means to feel safe again

if only my world had not come crashing down around me

...

two years ago today ken and i were ending our christmas vacation in orlando with trent still safely in my womb

my heart had no idea the pain that was coming

...

i wish i could go back in time and take my hand and whisper to myself that i would survive it...that in two years i would be laying in my warm bed listening to the soft snores of my precious second child

i wish i didn't know what it was like to hold your first child's entire life in your arms

i wish he were here

i wish i was planning his second birthday party

...

life will never be what it could have been

what it should have been

i lost a lifetime of memories on that day

i lost a lifetime of joy

i lost my child

...

this is a hard time of year for me

my mind can't help but replay the week leading up to his birth and the moments of his death

i can't help but replay the awful words...time of death 8:22am

how unfair is it that i watched my child die

it isn't supposed to be

...

if you meet me on the street with my beautiful Ian in tow you would have no idea the pain and sorrow i know

my child is dead

how can it be true

how can it have been two years ago

12/21/09

2011-12-21T20:57:00.002-06:00

Two years ago today I found out my first child was a boy. I still remember laying on that ultrasound table...waiting for the tech to say..."you're having a _____ " back then I had no idea things went wrong in pregnancies. I was actually having my anatomy scan but really had no clue that anything mattered other than boy or girl. Trent was perfect. I left that day happier than I ever remember being. I was going to have a son. I had no idea that 10 days later I would be hospitalized with his bag bulging. I had no way of knowing that in 15 days I would meet and say goodbye to my first child. I could not have imagined the life long journey of pain and grief that was coming so quickly.

This time of year is hard. I think it will always be hard. I will always wish I had both of my children to celebrate Christmas with. I will always know that it is the coutdown to the end. It doesn't hurt the same way it used to. Life has more joy with Ian in it than it did last year. I live for Ian. I refuse to let myself live for death. (Does that make sense?) I will always always miss my sweet Trent. i will always wish he were here. But, I must live for Ian.

We took Ian to Disneyland this last week. It was a wonderful trip! We made lots of memories and had a wonderful time. At the Dallas airport last night there was a mom with her son. He looked to be about two. His name was Trent. She kept calling him as she chased him around the gate area. My heart hurt.

I hate that I will always wish for more than I have. I will always want to have them both. I am happy with Ian. I feel complete with being Ian's mommy. I just wish I knew what it was like to mother them both.

timeline

2011-12-16T22:01:00.002-06:00

Do you know what I was doing a year ago today? recovering from my cerclage surgery

How about two years ago today? hiring a cleaning lady to clean my house...I was pregnant and exhausted

How do I know? the new facebook timeline

It is actually a neat change to facebook. Sometimes it changes and I really hate it...this change is okay. BUT, you can see every. single. thing. posted ever. So, of course the first thing I do is go and look at 1/5/10. I relived those days leading up to his birth. I saw the grief from my posts. It was so hard to live it all again. it is crazy to think just two years ago I was blissfully unaware. I can't even remember that person anymore. I can't believe I survived. I can't believe I learned how to breathe again. I watched my son take his last breath in my arms...how did I ever move again?

I am not sure. I can't really tell you how I got here. But, I know the road was worth it to have my amazing Ian.

Tomorrow we leave for Disneyland. I dreamt of taking Trent to Disney. I am so very excited to take Ian for his first Christmas.

The holidays will always be hard for me. There will never be a time when I don't think about Christmas leading up to the time I was hospitalized and that my first born son died. Yes, this year is "easier" because we have Ian here. But, I wish with all my heart and soul I could have them both. Could you pick just one child to spend your life with? I didn't get a choice...I want them both so badly.

Snow!

2011-12-05T23:00:00.003-06:00

It seems like not so long ago I was blogging about a snow day...you can read it here...I was fresh out of the hospital from giving birth to Trent and more heart broken than I can truly remember. I do remember writing his name in the snow....that was all I had of him that day. I remember crying at the beauty of it and thinking how I would never share in a first snow of the year with him. Heart breaking still...

Last year during the first snow of the year I was pregnant with Ian. Ken and I got in the car and drove around for hours watching it come down. I cried thinking about Trent. I begged God to let Ian live. I prayed that this year would be different ...

Last night it snowed here :). I love the snow! I love the way it looks as it comes down. I love standing outside and feeling the cold on my face. I love waking up to the world turned white. I love the way the whole town seems to shut down ... Even if just a few inches fall... This year was different

One year and eleven months after I gave birth to my first son...

My sweet second born was here to see it.

Give thanks

2011-11-28T07:58:00.001-06:00

My heart is so full of joy and my house is over run with baby stuff ... I can't think of a better way to spend the holidays!

Here are just a few pictures from Ian's first thanksgiving

5 months and one day

2011-10-24T20:34:00.004-05:00

WOW! How can my sweet little guy be 5 months old already?

I am more in love than I knew was possible! My life revolves around this little boy...and I love every single second of it!

Ian comes to work with me so we spend all day every day together...except for 5 hours on Tuesday and Thursday when he is at Children's Day out. We co-sleep. Ian still nurses a few times during the night so it works best for our family for him to sleep next to me. He falls asleep in the arms and stays that way most of the night. I know there are LOTS of people who do not agree with sleep sharing...but it works for us. In the first few weeks of his life I would feel guilty when I would let him sleep next to me after he woke up to eat. I then started to wonder why? I know think I will NEVER regret one second that I spend with my son...awake or asleep. Yes, there are moments when I wish I could sleep on my stomach again or that I could get up and go to the potty in the night without worrying about waking him...but I don't care. I will only have this time with him once. It will be over way too soon. I realize I may look back at this post a year from now wondering why I didn't teach him to sleep in his bed sooner. I know it may be a struggle when the time comes to transition to his own bed. Don't care. I love having him next to me. I guess it is just as much for me as it is for him.

He is already growing up so fast! We started solid foods in the last few weeks. He has been exclusively breast fed until now. He still gets all of his nutrients from me...but now we have added in one "meal" of solids a day. I make all his baby food. I LOVE IT! I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mommy! I know the little jars are pretty easy to buy...but it is just too much fun to make it myself!! So far I have made green beans, peas, and oatmeal. I have given him avocado and smashed banana. Avocado and green beans have been his favorite so far. There is really no need for baby food...my milk gives him all he needs...but it is fun trying new stuff!

He has learned to "give mommy kisses." It is the cutest thing! I tell him to give me kisses and he opens up wide and lays a wet, slobbery, open mouthed kiss right on my cheek. I am now teaching him to give daddy kisses too...LOVE IT! It is such a fun age! I want to freeze time and keep him just like this! He rolls from stomach to back and back to stomach. This weekend when I put him in his boppy for tummy time he got up on his knees and tried to lunge out of the thing! I think crawling will be soon!

I looked back on my blog a year ago...I was just a few week pregnant with Ian...and had just named him "sprinkle" at the time. My posts were still full of heart ache. It is hard to read that pain. It is hard to believe it is my life. It is hard to believe how much joy this little guy brings me. I think of Trent every single day. I still cry for him. I still hear or see things that remind me of my pregnancy with him. The pain will always remain. Today I shared his story and for the first time in months cried as I told it.

I feel like my whole life has happened in the last two years. It is hard to remember what life was like before I was pregnant. It is hard to remember what it felt like to live in a world where the pain didn't exist. It is crazy to say ... but it is hard to remember that there was life before loss. And, for a long time I didn't think there would be life again after loss...but there is.

better than ...

2011-10-13T21:31:00.002-05:00

being Ian's mommy is better than anything I hoped for...

better than anything I dreamed of...

better than anything I imagined...

better than the best Christmas ever...

better than my strawberry chapstick...

better than the best piece of chocolate cake...

better than the big cup of coffee first thing in the morning...

better than...

anything i can think of!

I really can't think of anything I enjoy more than being a mommy. I am still a wife, sister, daughter, aunt, grand daughter, cousin, friend, niece ... but my favorite title is mommy.

There are days when I am worn out, days when it is hard, days when I just want to nap...but it is worth it. It is worth it even when we are driving in the car and Ian is screaming, it is worth it at 4:27 in the morning and Ian has been up for hours coughing, it is worth it when I am on the 5th poopy diaper of the day, it is worth it when he just won't nap...

It is worth it because when he wakes me up in the morning he always gives me a huge smile...it is worth it because of his slobbery kisses...it is worth it because of his tiny toes that move on my leg as he nurses...it is worth it because of the way he lays his head on my shoulder...it is worth it because he giggles at me...it is worth it because God picked me to be his mommy.

This month has brought on a new season of grief for me. I didn't/couldn't figure out why for a few days...and then I realized...for the past two years I have been pregnant in October. The past two years I have been pregnant ... and only one living baby in my arms. I found out I was pregnant with Trent in early September 2009 and with Ian in the middle of October 2010. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas for two years were spent hoping, wishing, wanting to have a baby the next year...and this year will be my year. But, for some reason it is hard to enter into the season leading up to the loss ... or maybe it is hard because the memories of being pregnant with both my boys seem so fresh as we head into fall ... or maybe it is because the death of a child sucks ... no matter how many seasons or months or years pass ...

The grief is very different than it was 21 months ago. But, a few days ago it came back just as fresh and raw as it was then. It only lasted in that raw state for a few hours. I can deal with it better now. I can cope a little more...breath a little easier...and hug Ian a little tighter.

I am so looking forward to this holiday season with my sweet boy! I may over do it with costumes, shirts, treats, presents, pictures...all of the above...but how can I help it? I have waited my whole life for this...and missed a lifetime of these memories with Trent.

2,500 miles

2011-09-22T20:29:00.004-05:00

Ian and I set out on a journey almost two weeks ago...we were off to see the world together.

Well, not really the whole world...just the people who love him the most in Florida and Atlanta. My childhood friend of 20 years got married on 9/17. I booked the tickets to the wedding when Ian was still in my belly. I knew that if we were going to fly half way across the country (Atlanta) we should make a trip to Daytona while we were over that way. So, we flew out EARLY Saturday morning and spent the first part of the week in Daytona with my family. How surreal to travel with my living, breathing, oh-so-cute baby boy! Ian is the best baby! He is not a fusser really...he did amazing on all the flights (and we were on 5 different planes in a matter of 8 days). He laughed and cooed at all our fellow travelers...he melted hearts. I only got teary eyed a few times. When he and I sat in the Orlando International Airport...at the same terminal Ken and I had sat at 20 months earlier with Trent's ashes...I cried. I am sure I looked like a nut job ... but I am getting used to that!

Ian was a hit! He got more kisses and snuggles than he knew what to do with! It was wonderful to have my whole family meet him! It was even more special to have all my childhood friends in Atlanta meet him...at our surprise baby shower!! Yes, my childhood friends threw us a surprise baby shower...A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

Ian swam in the ocean for the first time, he snuggled his cousins for the first time, he stayed in his first hotel, he swam in an indoor pool, he loved on his aunt Cassie, Bridget, and Kristen for the first time, he rode in a car with someone other than mommy or daddy driving for the first time, he played in the sand at a lake, he attended his first wedding, he went to his first sit down Chick -fil -a ... he attended his first baby shower, he he nursed in public WITH OUT a wrap for the first time, he rolled off a couch for the first time (yes, I cried), he was away from daddy for seven whole nights for the first time, AND he got his first cold.

The days since we have been home have been filled with snot and fevers, two doctor visits, two antibiotics, an allergic reaction to one, a double ear infection, poop-explosions, and vomit like it is going out of style. My poor boy has had a fever for 7 long days!! I feel at the end of my rope because he is so very sick. I hate seeing him this way. We have new antibiotics today and FINALLY his fever is under 100 degrees!

I never knew I would feel SO helpless seeing him sick...but boy is it sad!!

giggles

2011-09-06T19:56:00.000-05:00

It has been far too long since I had a proper blog post! There are few reasons...the main is that having a 3.5 month old keeps me very busy!!! The second reason is I almost feel guilty for the sad days. I have so very much to be thankful for...and I don't feel like I should still have the sad days...but I do. I just don't want people to roll their eyes and think, 'HELLO you have Ian...why are you still sad?" But, I am. Not every day...and nothing like in the beginning. But, I do still have those sad days when I wish I knew what it would be like to have a 20 month old toddling around the house. I wish I could see him kiss and love on his little brother. I wish I could watch him interact with Ian. I wish I could kiss him at night. I wish he were here. I am not sure it ever goes away. I mean my child is dead...how can it go away?

Ian is a love muffin! He loves to cuddle with mommy. He loves kisses on his cheeks, on his nose, on his toes...and he giggles ALL.THE.TIME! I love it!! I can't get enough. The sound is so heart warming! He wakes up form his naps giggling...he giggles in his car seat (when he is not screaming at me for putting him in it)...he giggles when he sees daddy or hears his voice on the phone. He is just so sweet. A week or so ago we were at Walmart and he was giggling while I was paying. The cashier said to me, "He is just talking to the angels." I just kind of looked at her. I said, "His big brother is in heaven..." and I walked away. I don't want to sound crazy and I don't even know if I believe in it...but how sweet if it was Trent making Ian laugh. What if it is his big brother making him giggle? I don't know...it sounds silly...but in some way it makes my heart happy. I would give everything in the world to see my boys together...to see them giggling together. I have tears in my eyes just thinking of what it will be like when we are finally all in heaven and I can see them together.

Can you imagine not having one of your kids here? Can you imagine missing their whole life? I don't have to imagine...I have to live it. It seems so much more real now that I have Ian...I know what I am missing.

Today is not a sad day really...this post sounds like it is. I am so thankful for Ian. And, most days are filled with more joy than possible. I just wish I had them both!

So, what if Ian is giggling at his big brother? What do you think? Crazy right??

Here are just a few of his sweet giggling self

new design

2011-08-27T17:55:00.000-05:00

Ian is now part of my story...and my blog :)

It made me feel guilty to re-do it but I know I needed to include my little man..

thanks to fran at small bird studios...

it looks amazing!

in his name

2011-08-11T21:54:00.000-05:00

I was sitting in my rocking chair tonight nursing Ian to sleep and was just staring at my "Trent" wall. I have a plague with his name and a bible verse, a little heart that says 'love,' and a bird that says 'hope.' In the months following his death I searched the internet for ways to remember him. I spent hours looking for the perfect ring to be my mommy ring. I went to every single etsy site that made baby loss items. I wanted the perfect things to have to carry on his memory. I also didn't want to go overboard. I didn't want too create a shrine...I just wanted a few things that included his memory in our home. I found a ring (which stopped fitting at about 7.5 months of pregnancy thanks to swollen fingers), I have the little plague on the wall, and then a framed picture next to his ashes in our bedroom. I really don't need "stuff" to remember him by. He will always be my first born.

Tonight as I stared at that little plague I got teary eyed at how different life is a year later. Here I am nursing my sweet boy. I spend hours every week shopping for baby stuff online now. I research about breastfeeding and developmental milestones. I spend my time snuggling the cutest little boy around. I am truly blessed. I get to do stuff for Ian all day every day...and I love it. God chose me to be his mom. He picked me to raise this sweet boy. He gave Ian to me to care for. I am grateful. I can't do a lot for Trent anymore. I remember him and think of him but my job is to raise Ian. Trent is whole. He is already at the feet of our Savior. BUT, I can do things in his name. I can do things that make my heart happy...knowing I am carrying on his little light.

After he was born and died my milk came in. A very normal part of having a baby...but I didn't have a living baby anymore. My heart knew but my body didn't. My body did what it was supposed to do...make milk to feed my baby...for seven long months. I was engorged with milk for a week or two but I continued to leak and have milk for seven months. I went to the doctor a few different times to see why my milk stayed around. I even had an ultrasound done on my breasts to see if something was wrong. I had read online during my pregnancy that some women with PCOS have a hard time making milk and I had worried I would be one of those women...nope. I researched donating my milk. I contacted a few agencies about it. But, in the end my heart could not handle pumping milk that was meant for my child...my now dead child.

Ian is almost 12 weeks old...happy, healthy, and 100% breast fed. I have almost 70 oz of frozen breast milk and I keep 10-12 oz in the fridge and any time for Ken to use. Ian only gets a bottle every few days so my stock pile continues to grow. I pump an extra 10-15 oz a day. I feel VERY blessed to produce so much extra milk. A few weeks ago I again looked in to donating milk. This time is different. This time I am sustaining Ian's life but still have more to give. I don't need a stock pile of 100's of oz ... but am on my way to that soon! I have found a non profit organazation that takes donated breast milk. They pasturize it and freeze it into 3 oz servings. These 3 oz servings are then delievered to NICU's in the Dallas area to babies that are born at 2.5 lbs or less. I have gone through the screening process...blood work, DNA sample, freezer temp, questions, interview...and finally TODAY got to start storing milk for these precious babies...in Trent's name. I will give this life saving gift in the name of my first born. These parents and babies will never know where the milk came from - and that is just fine with me - but I will know. I will know that the extra milk that Ian doesn't need will go to help another family never have to know the pain that I know. If ONE baby is given a better chance because of the milk I send it will be worth it. I am so excited to do it! Today as I filled my first two donation bags and put my donor number on the front I cried. Again, I am just a number to whoever the milk goes to...but I will know. I will know that because of my sweet boy I am giving what I can back.

with and without

2011-08-09T00:31:00.000-05:00

nap time

2011-08-04T22:29:00.000-05:00

Yesterday as I laid Ian down for a nap he started to cry. I am not talking about the normal 'fussing himself to sleep' kind of cry...the poor little guy had real tears coming out of his eyes...he was bright red and screaming. I picked him up and held him close to my chest. I knew he wasn't hungry as I had just nursed him, his diaper was dry and clean, and his crib was the same he always naps in. Yesterday he wanted me. He wanted to snuggle. I held him close to my chest and patted his little butt. I told him how much I loved him, I sang to him, I rocked him in my arms, I held on while he calmed down, I told him it was all okay. As he drifted off to sleep I cried over how precious and perfect he was. I started to think about my journey to have him here in my arms.

In the days after Trent died I was not just fussing...I was full out, tears in my eyes, bright red screaming. I needed to be comforted. I needed to know it was okay. I needed Him. In the days and weeks following the death of my first son God held me. He rocked me. He sang to me. He told me it was all going to be okay. I couldn't see it. I couldn't see through the pain. I couldn't believe that one day my heart would feel joy again. In the hours after I laid my son to rest nothing felt like it could ever ease the pain. I still hurt for Trent. I still can't say "Yes." when someone asks if Ian is my first. I can't not mention Trent. I still wonder what it would be like. But, there is joy again. God held me. He rocked me. He knew.

Yesterday as Ian drifted to sleep I thought of the deep love I had for him. I thought of how my world now revolves around his little life. I thought of the way God loves me. I am not sure I could understand the depth of the love God has for me until I had Ian. I hurt when he hurts. I laugh when he laughs. I rejoice in his newly acquired skills.

My heart is full.

My God is good.

I know that in those days and weeks that I cried real tears God hurt with me. I know that He held me. I know that He rejoices as I rejoice in the life that is Ian.

depth

2011-07-29T00:23:00.000-05:00

There is a depth of love and devotion to this little boy that I could not have imagined. My title as mommy is the most important I have ever held.

Yesterday Ian had his first round of shots. He weighed in at 12 lbs 9 oz, making him in the 90th percentile. I am so glad to have him growing healthy and strong! After a short visit with the doctor the nurse came in with the shots. My poor little guy screamed. And they have to poke them 3 times at the 2 month shots...UGH!!! Ian and I went to work after I could tell he just wasn't his normal self. He didn't want to nurse, he didn't want to really sleep, and he felt warm to me. I left early and stopped and got him some tylenol. We got home and the little guy was just so lethargic. I laid him in his crib and he just cried until I picked him back up. I nursed him in the bed with me and went to lay him down beside me and he cried until I picked him up again. We drifted off to sleep together with him on my chest. He wanted his mommy. Me. The mommy. I never thought it would be...I never thought I would be lucky enough. But, I am here. He is mine. I thank God every single day for him. I can't really put into words the love I feel for this little boy. I cried as I realized he just needed his mommy.

Two nights ago I looked through the pictures from the day Trent was born. I cried and cried. I was up until 3am just crying. I held Ian a little closer when he woke to nurse...remembering just how precious life really is. On that day he needed his mommy to live...to carry on...to move forward.

In 9 short weeks we have transformed from Ken and Trisha to a little family. We are now Ken, Trisha, and Ian. When I hold him close sometimes I feel so much love I swear my heart could burst. When I kiss his little head I feel complete. He has started to smile....but only at mommy and daddy so far. It melts my heart when he just looks up and me and gives me this big, gummy smile. His most smiley time is in the morning. It is my favorite part of the day...I love to just snuggle him and listen to him coo and talk to me. He just smiles...oh I can't even explain the joy it brings.

2 months old!

2011-07-23T16:58:00.000-05:00

I really can't even believe it! How can my sweet little man be two months old already? Time never stops moving! I can tell you the last two months have been the most amazing of my life. I didn't know the love I would have for such a sweet little thing. It is such a different love than I have for Trent...because with Ian I get to spend every single day with him. I love Trent in a way that is much different. He will always hold a very special place in my heart. I will always miss him. I feel almost guilty for loving Ian as much as I do...crazy I know. I feel guilty if I blog only about him. I am having my blog redone to include Ian in it. I will always blog about the loss and life of Trent...the title "Such a short time, Such a long road" will remain the same. I am changing my tag line to "My journey through the loss of my first and life of my second" - or something like that. I don't want to forget him...but this new little boy is pretty special too! i don't want to start a new blog...I want this to be a place for both of my boys. I know it is silly to even worry about it but this blog was/is one of the most healing things after I lost Trent. But, I want to share about Ian too. I want to be able to look back and remember his journey too. Thoughts??

Okay back to 2 months! July has been busy for our little family! Ian got to meet his grandad this month! He took his first plane ride! He got to meet both of his great grand mothers and lots and lots of other family. It has been a special time. I love everything about him. I try to soak in every single moment with him.

I love to lay his little head on my shoulder and pat him to sleep. I love to hear him breath into my ear as he falls asleep. I love to watch his eyes grow heavy as he nurses. I love the little smiles he has started to give me. I love the way he screams at me when I have to get boogers out of his nose. (Yes, it breaks my heart to make him cry but I have to get the boogers!) I love shower time with him! I love watching him follow the sound of my voice and Ken's voice with his eyes. I love to fall asleep next to him and snuggle. I love to laugh at the HUGE farts and poops this tiny little thing makes! I love taking him out in public and letting people ohh and ahhh over him. I love being his mommy!

our weekend

2011-07-09T20:55:00.000-05:00

Ken flew to Ohio this weekend...so Ian and I were home alone for the first time. He is pretty good company so I was just fine ;) Ken happened to take my keys with him to Ohio so I was stuck at home with Ian. I guess it is a good thing I nurse him so I didn't need formula! Ian is the sweetest little thing ever. I am so very in love with him. I love snuggling with him, kissing him, and just holding him close. I can't believe he will be 7 weeks on Monday! Where has the time gone already? We are taking our first family vacation on Tuesday. We are flying to Indy to visit all my extended family. I am SO nervous about flying with Ian...mostly because I am nervous about breast feeding in public.

Here are just a few sweet moments from our mommy/son weekend.

just a little tummy time...

look at all that hair...and that sweet little hand...

just hanging in our pj's...

looking out the window...

he is just the sweetest ever...

loves his passy!

we can't change it

2011-07-05T23:51:00.000-05:00

I remember about ten years ago standing on the Granda Bridge in Ormond Beach, Florida watching the fireworks and thinking, "next year my life will be different...I'm going to change it." I went to watch the fireworks with my sister and her friends. They were not my friends...they were hers. I remember not really knowing them and at the same time hung out with them from time to time. I remember thinking that I had to change it...I had to make my own life. I was finishing up at the community college and had not figured out where I was going next. All of my friends had moved away to go to college or get married or just moved. I didn't feel like I fit...so I was going to change it.

Last night I watched the fireworks with Ian in my arms. I had tears in my eyes as I thought about how I wish it would have been our family of four instead of three. Ken's parents came in to spend the weekend with us. He and his dad sat on the tail of the truck and his mom and Ian and I sat in the bed of the truck. I held Ian close as the sky was lighted with the fireworks. He didn't wake through any of them. I was quickly caught up in the thought of what should be...could be...but never will be.

I have been struggling with these emotions for a few weeks now. I think about how I would change it all...and then I stop myself and wonder if I changed it would Ian be here? I can't imagine my life without him. And, now I can't imagine my life with Trent. Does that make sense? I tried to explain this to Ken last night as we drove home. I cried and cried as I told him how much I wish I could have them both. I wish they were both here. I started rambling on about how I feel guilty because I wouldn't change it if the outcome meant we wouldn't have Ian but I would change it if the outcome meant I could have Ian and Trent. He stopped me and said, "we can't change it." He told me to stop beating myself up trying to decide if I would change it or not...we never will be able to. He was so right...and I so needed to hear it. I feel like I have spent so much time thinking about if I would or could change it all...but I can't. I will never get my sweet Trent back in this lifetime. I will never get to hold him again. I will never kiss his sweet face. I will never hear his voice. I will never have both of my boys snuggling in bed with me. But, I have Ian. I can't explain the love for this baby boy.

My road to having Ian in my arms has not been easy. I thank God every single day for him. I don't know how your heart can be broken and so full of love at the same time...but mine is.

There will never be a day that I don't wish I could have both of my boys. THere will never be a time that I feel like part of me is missing. I am not sure I will ever watch fireworks and feel like my life is complete...because on that cold January day part of me left forever.

I can't change it.

wordless wednesday

2011-06-29T04:00:00.000-05:00

rainbow mommy

2011-06-28T23:45:00.000-05:00

It is not as easy as I thought it would be.

Motherhood is slightly different for me. Yes, I have the poopy diapers, spit up, late night feedings, over whelming love, and joy that comes with a 5 week old baby boy. But, I also have something a little different than other moms.

My life was filled with death...not that long ago. My world came crashing down around me and I had to figure out how to pick up the pieces and walk forward. Most days I feel like I have figured that out. Most days this "new" normal of being a baby loss mom and a mom to a living child work for me. Last night I had a "my life sucks" pity party as I laid in bed. I just couldn't help but think what my life would be like with a 17 month old and a 5 week old. I pictured Trent loving and kissing on Ian. I pictured him being the big brother. I dreamed of years with my boys. I wonder when those dreams go away? i wonder when I will not wonder what could have been.

I started blogging 5 weeks after Trent died. 5 weeks and I felt like the world was spinning out of control. I felt like I would never feel normal again. I don't think I would even recognize myself then if I could go back in time and see me. I was a zoombie. Ian is 5 weeks old. What a different experience 5 weeks with a living child is! I know every inch of his little body. I know what position he likes to nurse in. I know what faces he makes when he nurses. I know that he hates the Tommy Tippee pacifiers and loves the Avent ones. I know that if I put him in his swing he will say quiet and content if I have the bird sound on. I know that after his 6 am feeding he doesn't want to be put back in his crib, he wants to snuggle mommy. I know that when I strap him in his car seat he is going to scream. I know that when I take him back out of his car seat his hair will be all sweaty. I know that he hates to be swaddled. I know that his little hands are pudgy and just call out to be kissed. I know that he will pee on me if I take 3 seconds too long to get his diaper back on. I know that he hates it when the dogs bark. I know that he loves music. I know that his favorite way to fall asleep is on my shoulder as I pat his little butt. I know that around 6pm he is going to be fussy for an hour or so. I know that when we wake up at 3 am to eat he doesn't want any lights or talking...just food, diaper change, and back to sleep. I know that he loves to stretch his toes out. I know that when he looks into my eyes he knows I am mommy. I know that the sound of his daddy's voice calms him down. I know him...better than anyone else. He is my son. My second son.

I hate that I don't know any of these things about my Trent.

5 weeks after Trent was born I just started to venture into the world of baby loss moms. I found that one of the most common things is to have people create your child's name out of objects for you. I loved seeing Trent's name. It brought comfort to my broken heart to see his name in different ways. I took Ian to the doctor today. As I left and dropped of his prescription (he has thrush) I thought of how different it is to see his name on "real" items. His name on the doctors chart, his name on the insurance card, his name on the prescription, his name on the bottle of medicine. I left the pharmacy with the biggest grin on my face. I now have a child with a name ... not a name to remember him by ... but a name to live by. God is so good.

I love this little boy. I wish that my journey had been different. But, Ian is very worth it all.

moments

2011-06-22T00:47:00.000-05:00

The moments are sweeter than anything I could have imagined.

It seems that one sentence could sum up everything I want to say and more.

There have been moments in my life that are stuck in my memory forever.

4th of July, 2005...Ken and I danced at the top of the stairs at my parents house while my dad played the piano downstairs. The rest of the world didn't matter...in that moment it was just Ken and I. In that moment I knew I would spend forever with him.

January 5, 2010...the last moment I held Trent before I laid him down one last time. I had just sung him the songs that were to be sung at his funeral and kissed him goodbye one last time.

May 23, 2011...the moment they handed Ian to me...

his gurgles...

his smiles...

his stretches...

his toes...

his chubby little fingers...

his eyes locked on mine while he nurses...

his little farts...

his faces...

his cry...

his long eyelashes...

every single moment with this little boy steals my heart a little more.

I don't think I could have fully understood the love and devotion I would have...there was no way to know. I didn't truly realize all I missed with Trent until Ian was here in my arms.

Being Ian's mommy is more amazing than I could have ever imagined.

I want to freeze time and just have him right here, right now forever. I want him to be this precious little thing forever. I know it seems silly...and yes I do want to watch him grow up...life just seems so perfect now...I don't want anything to mess it up. I know it is not possible and we will continue to move forward every day as he grows bigger. I just love who he is right now. I guess I just can't imagine him any other way. I can't picture what tomorrow will hold so I want to hold on to today for as long as I can.

Tomorrow he will be one month old...truly the best month of my life.

:)

2011-06-12T17:30:00.001-05:00

17

2011-06-09T15:18:00.000-05:00

My little man is 17 days old! WOW! I wish I could stop time and just keep him teeny tiny forever! Yesterday I put the outfit he wore home from the hospital on him and it was a tad snug...I got a little teary eyed. All the rest of the newborn size clothing is still fitting fine. Life is so very different with a living child!

After I gave birth to Trent there was no physical evidence of him for the world to see. There was no way to show the world my broken heart. I am sure I looked like a normal person to everyone who saw me. There was no explaining the pain. NOW, I have a beautiful, adorable, sweet, cute, loving baby boy in my arms. I am NOT used to the attention that comes with that!!! I had a doctor appointment today to have two warts removed from my foot (GROSS!!) ((they grew while I was pregnant and they were painful so I was very ready to have them removed)) Ian came with me because Daddy was working. The ENTIRE staff had to come and ohh and ahh over him. It was very stragne! I just can't get used to the attention that having a baby with me brings!

I think one of my very favorite parts of being a mommy right now is breast feeding Ian. I love it! I love the bond it creates between him and me. I love the faces he makes when my breasts are so full and he gets a little milk shower :) I love watching him as he nurses. I love listening to him gulp down the milk my body is making to sustain his little life. I love knowing I am doing the very best I can for him by nursing. I had a rough day yesterday because it was my first full day back to work. I had brought him with me earlier in the week but brought pumped milk so I could feed him. I was out of pumped milk yesterday and just opted to nurse him in my office. It was a bit uncomfortable for both of us and I got frustrated. I had to remind myself how much I love nursing! I have to do that at the 3 am feeding too when I can barely keep my eyes open!

It is truly amazing watching him change and grow every day. I thank God daily for letting me be his mommy!

another 5

2011-06-04T20:29:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a "moment."

I am working my way through the baby wise theory with Ian...to help him (and me) sleep through the night. The book recommends eating, wake time, sleep time. The first 10 days of life I focused just on feeding and getting him to nurse a full meal each time. My life seems to revolve around boobs and three hour time frames...but, I love it! Back to my moment...the book says to keep the baby awake after he eats. This is not always an easy task for a brand new baby like Ian. The book gives a list of things that mommy can do to keep the baby awake...one of which was talk to him. It says something to the effect that you can bear your soul to the baby ... he is a good listener and likes the sound of your voice. So, last night I told Ian about his big brother...through broken sobs. I told him his big brother was already in heaven because mommy's body is broken. I told him his big brother went to heaven to show the doctors how to fix mommy so he could live. I cried and cried. I realize Ian will not remember this. And, I really think that is for the best. I don't want his life to be lived in he shadow of Trent's death. I never NEVER what him to feel like he is only here because Trent died. Ken and I have agreed that Ian will live Ian's life and we will not focus on Trent's death with him. We will "celebrate" Jan 5 every year as a family. We will remember our son but not make Ian feel like second best...like our consolation prize because our real prize is already gone. He is none of those things. He is who God created him to be. Trent's days were numbered by God just like Ian's are. Ian's life has a different purpose than Trent's. But, I think I needed to talk about it with him...for my benefit not his. Tomorrow is 17 long months since I held my first born. I the beginning the 5th of each month seemed to crush me. It is not has hard to face anymore.

I still have trouble with the "is this your first?" "is he your only?" questions. I am not sure why people ask the question so much. I wish they could just see Ian and be done with it. I hate saying "yes" and I hate saying "no." Does that make sense? If I tell them yes, he is our only or our first I am leaving out a very important part of my life. If I tell them no, I have another son who passed away shortly after birth I get the pitiful look or an uncomfortable silence. One day I will learn how to answer this question...one day.

I love being Ian's mommy. LOVE it. I love that I have joined a new club...a club that is much more fun than the other one I am a member of. I love that my title as mommy is very evident as I carry my son with me in my arms this time. I love that I get to be part of the mommy club without the sad looks. It is a strange new reality...and I am loving every second of it.

joy

2011-06-03T11:03:00.000-05:00

I didn't know I could feel joy like this! I didn't think I would ever be this happy again. My heart is so full!! I woke up this morning with my little guy crying and just smiled. I love him. I love nursing him. I love being his mommy. When I look down at him I can't even understand the full love that comes from within me. Ken keeps saying, "when is the rental over?" We have babysat tons of nieces and nephews in our six years together and at the end of the stay have to give them back to their mommy and daddy. This time we don't!! It is hard to understand he gets to stay! WE are mommy and daddy!!

I was just washing and changing him for the day dreaming of all we get to do together over the next years of our lives. I can't wait! Actually, if I could freeze time and keep him this teeny, tiny newborn I would! I love his smallness. We had his newborn pictures done on Wednesday and went into a sandwich shop to get a sub to go. We are trying not to have him out in public too much until six weeks, as ordered by the doctor. The poor little guy already has pink eye :( so, I would like to keep him away from as many germs as I can. But, while there he was oohhhed and aahhed over. It was a first for me. I am not used to the attention. I was filling my drink cup and he was in his carrier. A table full of women started just swooning over him...asking me all kinds of questions. When we got in the car Ken said, "stop talking to random people." I told him they started it and were admiring his son. He didn't realize! He thought I was just running my mouth (which I am good at). It made my heart so happy. I have oohed and awhed over a million babies and now it is my turn!!

I think about a year ago and can't believe where we are today! In fact if I went back and read my blogs from then I would not believe this would be me here and now! I am SOO in love!

wow

2011-05-31T19:07:00.001-05:00

that is the only word I can think to describe being a mommy ... to a living, breathing baby boy.

WOW! I spend my days nursing, napping, and just cuddling my boy. I am dreading going back to work only because I will have to be away from him! I will leave him with Ken for the summer and he will come with me in the fall. Because I work in a soup kitchen the envoironment is not the cleanest for a newborn.

So, what about the grief? It is strange ... this morning as I was nursing Ian I looked over at the picture of Trent holding my finger ... the love is very very different. I never got any of what I am getting with Ian with Trent...and over the last 17 months have come to understand and accept that. I will never be "over" the death of my first born. However, I have learned how to live. I remember right after Trent was born I felt like I didn't know where to "put" the grief. I felt like it surrounded me, followed me, swallowed me whole. Now, 17 months later I have figured it out. Holding Ian in my arms is the most healing thing ever. There is no replacement for the life that was lost but the new life in my arms reminds me why I am still living. My entire pregnancy with Ian I was waiting on the end. I just couldn't imagine brining him home. Maybe that is why it is so amazing...because I never pictured him here with me.

I feel like I was born to be a mommy. I love every second of it. I love waking up at 3 am to nurse him. I love watching him sleep. I love his poopy diapers. I love being peed on. I love the faces he makes. I love him. My heart can't contain the love and joy. I love watching Ken with Ian. All of it ... every part of it. I want to stop time to just take him all in. Every night when I put him in his bassinet I pray over him. I pray for his safety and for his life. I pray that he knows we love him beyond measure. I pray he will grow up happy. My life feels right.

I know there are some reading pregnant with their rainbows or waiting to be pregnant again or even trying to conceive...it is worth it. The worry, the nerves, the tears, the heartache...all worth it.

Here are just a few of my sweet pea over the last eight days...

my son

2011-05-27T22:23:00.001-05:00

The emotions of the last week can not be captured in words. I will try.

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

1 Samuel 1:27

I have spent the last ~~nine months~~ 31 years praying for this sweet boy. I didn't know I was praying for Ian James...I just knew I have been praying to be a mommy. In the last nine months I have prayed and begged God to give me a healthy baby boy. Ian is all I could have hoped and prayed for. He is the perfect combo of Ken and myself. He is so very sweet. I can't even tell you how my heart swells when I look down at him. When I hold him and kiss him I feel complete. I stare into his face and wonder what God created him to be. What will his life be like? What kind of man will he become?

Labor and delivery was "easy." (as easy as labor and delivery can be!) I was admitted at 4am and as soon as I was hooked up to the monitors I was having contractions 5 minutes apart. I thought I was having them all night but wasn't sure. They placed the medicine next to my cervix at 5 am. The contractions got harder and more painful. The doctor broke my water around 9 am...YUCK! As soon as my water was broken the pioticon was hooked up and I was begging for my epidural! Once my epidural was in place we were all set! Ian did not tolerate contractions very well. His heart rate would fall when I would have a contraction. It would get lower and lower. It got to 56 at one point. I was so scared. I pulled my oxygen mask off and screamed for someone to do something. My blood pressure dropped crazy low which was making his heart rate fall. My mom went and got the nurse. It was not much longer that i was ready to push. I only pushed for about 30 minutes and he was here!! That first scream was everything I hoped it would be. I cry thinking about it again. Ken cried. My mom cried. It was a beautiful moment. After Trent's birth we were all waiting for for the end...with Ian we waited as they cleaned him to start our lives together.

I have watched a million romantic comedies. I have watched and cried at beautiful moments of love being played out on the screen. NONE of those movies can capture the love in a room as a daddy holding his son with the love and adoration I saw on Monday!

I have started and stopped this post a few times to tend to my sweet boy. I have much more to share...but for now I need to nurse.

I thank God a hundred times a day for picking me to be Ian's mommy. I am not sure I deserve it but I am beyond grateful to have him in my arms.

my little punkie poo :)

2011-05-25T22:52:00.000-05:00

Ian James was born at 6:42pm on May 23rd!

I am SO excited, in love, amazed, over-joyed, in love, overwhelmed, tired, in love....it is better than words can say!

I will share more later...

but, I HAD to show off some pictures of my cutie pie!!

ready or not!

2011-05-21T22:45:00.001-05:00

Here he comes!

We are 30 hours away from checking into the hospital! 30 HOURS! My emotions are all over the place. I have cried today so many times...and been so giddy excited I couldn't even sit still. The tears come when I think of the last time I was in labor. It is so very hard to understand/picture my baby living this time around. I know he is full term and healthy. I know my cervix has done it's job. I know the doctors have done every single thing they could to get him here...the what if's still play in my head. The uncertainty of a birth with a live baby is hard for me. The day will be long and hard...hello it is labor! But, I am praying at the end I am holding a perfect, beautiful baby boy. I got that the last time too...this time I want a son that gets to stay here with me.

The tears come because of all the love and hope that surronds my little family...from near and far! The people that have walked this very hard road of grief with us. The ones that have followed our story and prayed for us. The ones that rejoiced when we were expecting again. The ones that are just as excited to meet Ian as we are! I can't even explain the gratitude I have for all of them ... all of you!

The tears come because my mom is here. I love her so very much! She told me today it was the hardest thing she has ever done to be in that birthing suite. It was the hardest thing she will ever face watching me hold my son as he died. She needs this healing as much as Ken and I do. I have never wanted to cause my mom pain or grief and I know she has felt the grief and pain two fold for Trent. She grieves for her grandson and for her daughter. It breaks my heart. I am so thankful she can be here for Ian's birth! (I really thought I would want to walk and walk and walk and do all the things that induce labor this weekend...but we laid on the couch ALL DAY! We only got up to go to the potty...my wonderful hubby cooked for us all day! It was wonderful to just relax and catch up!!!)

My excitment level is a 200 (on a scale of 1-10)! I feel like I have been given a second chance at life. Part of me, a big part, died on that January day. A part that I will never get back. The pain from that day will always be real, raw, and close to my heart. But, as Monday approaches I am getting to another chance. I get another son. I can't even explain all of the excitment. It really is a dream come true. I keep picturing what it will be like to hear his first cry, a sound I never got from Trent. I know that when I finally hear him scream it will be better than I can/could ever even imagine. I know when I get to nurse him for the first time my heart will be more full than I knew possible. And, even with his first dirty diaper...I will be on cloud 9! I am so looking forward to what is ahead for me...sleep depravation, drool, spit up, poop, pee, tears, screams...a living, breathing baby.

Praise God for 37 weeks 2 days pregnant! 30 hours!

I imagine this will be my last post pregnant. The next one will be filled with Ian.

Tears again...happy tears.

success

2011-05-17T15:09:00.001-05:00

I am sure by now if you have read my blog for any length of time you know that I have an incompetent cervix. What is it??

(all these answers are from the University of Chicago Medical Center)

Q. What is cervical insufficiency or incompetent cervix?
A. Normally, a woman’s cervix should open with the beginning of labor after about nine months of pregnancy. But in some women, pressure from a growing fetus in the uterus causes the cervix to open prematurely, leading to a second trimester pregnancy loss of what would otherwise be a normal full term delivery. This loss typically occurs between the 16th and 24th week of pregnancy -- with the vast majority between the 18th and 22nd week of gestation.

SO, of course this is what happened with Trent. I had NO signs of my cervix failing...well none that I knew to look for. I was admitted to the hospital with membranes bulging at 20w5d. All of what happened fell into the "normal" range for a woman with IC. YUCK!

1 to 2% of women have IC. Lucky me.

Why me?? I have searched for this answer since that fateful day. I don't think I will know the answer this side of heaven. Medically speaking I have a birth defect...

Q. What are the circumstances that cause this condition?
A. Many women first become aware of incompetent cervix after losing their first pregnancy. Most often, the woman has a birth defect that affects the normal shape of the uterus or cervix, though they have no history to indicate the condition.
However, women who may be at risk for cervical insufficiency include those who:

Had a previous dilation and curettage (D & C)
Had a previous surgery for an abnormal PAP smear, such as LEEP (loop electrosurgical excision procedure) or CKC (cold knife conization) that damaged the cervix
While infrequent, incompetent cervix can happen during a later pregnancy after having a previous normal birth.

There was no way to know it was there and no way to prevent it. It just is the way I was made.

After losing Trent I felt like I became an expert on the subject of IC. I spent hours googling and trying to understand the condition. I knew that if and when we got pregnant again I would need a cerclage placed. Well, of course, you all know that is exactly what happened. It was placed at 14w6d and removed at 36w3d. Guess what?????

According to my research only 85% of TVC (trans vaginal cerclages) ((there are different kinds you can have...i had a TVC)) are successful. That means that 15% of women who have a TVC placed do not carry the child to full term. It doesn't mean that all 15% don't have a living child at the end (with a NICU stay for the baby) It means that 15% do not make it to 36 weeks because of complications with the cerclage or pregnancy. Guess what I am??? I AM A SUCCESS STORY!!!!!!

I feel like i have fallen into the 1% or 3% or 10% or whatever % of problem catagory for way too long! As of last Friday when I hit 36 weeks with Ian still in my womb I became a SUCCESS!!!!

It feels good to be in the success box. It feels good to finally have a statistic on my side! It feels good to know that that tiny stitch held my baby in!!

Praise God!!!

As of right now I have been free from my cerclage for 24 hours. I have had NO bleeding, NO contractions, and NO problems!!

I am sore from removal but I really think it is the HUGE thingy they used to open it all up!

6 more days!!

free!!!!

2011-05-16T17:37:00.000-05:00

My cerclage is OUT!

It really was not as bad as I thought it was going to be! It was strange and lots of pressure...but on a scale of 1-10 the pain was about a 3! It only took about 10 minutes total. I was not dilated or effaced at all. I am home and of course still on bed rest until Ian makes his grand entrance. I go back Wednesday morning for a pelvic exam and then the MFM on Thursday for a NST and BPP.

IF Ian has not arrived by the 23rd we will check in to start induction at 4:00am!!

That is only 178 hours from now...or 10,680 minutes :)

of course who knows how long my labor will last ... but we are SOOOOO close to meeting this little boy!!

AND if you are wondering what my little blue string of power looks like...

Yep - I saved it :)

I told the doctor I wanted to and he said, "You know I was thinking the other night that you might want too." HAHA!!

Let the countdown begin!!

tomorrow

2011-05-15T18:22:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how nervous I am about my cerclage being removed!!!! It is the pain that scares me the most! I mean they numb you with a spinal to put it in...do it in a surgical suite...it is surgery to put it in. And, tomorrow they take it out in the OB's office. Does that worry anyone? No?? Just me?? Well, maybe it is because it is my cervix being cut open tomorrow ;) It seems strange to worry. Have you noticed I am a worrier by nature? I worry about EVERYTHING! I know it is not healthy...I get lots of lectures on the need to not worry so much. I am thinking I was born this way. I can't change it....except with 6 or 7 margaritas and that is not the best idea for my Ian James :)

The idea that my body is ready for labor after tomorrow is CRAZY!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I can't even explain how my brain can't even wrap itself around that fact! It is so hard to gear up for a happy, healthy, normal labor and delivery. INSANE! I know hundreds of thousands of women give birth every day. I just didn't ever think I would be one of them AND then when I was finally one of them my son died :( BUT, here we are again. It is time. I am honestly hoping to hold out until at least Friday. My mommy flies in Friday at 4pm. I really REALLY want her here with me! Yes, I will be 32 this summer...but I still NEED my mommy!!! Ken missed Trent's birth so I am so very excited to have him by my side this time! AHHHHH! The excitement, nerves, joy, love....all of the emotions are so overwhelming! I love this little boy so very much! I can't wait to hold him and kiss him and call him my son!

I thank God every single day! Less than 24 hours and my cervix will be free :)

9 whole months

2011-05-13T19:51:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I am 9 months pregnant! Praise God!!

I have been on bed rest since last week. Yesterday I had two doctors appointments and went to the post office in between them. The lady in line in front of me asked me how far along and I told her 9 months tomorrow! Today I snuck out of the house for a pedicure...I really wanted cute toes for the birth...and the lady asked how far I was. Same answer. BOTH of them said "You don't look that pregnant!"

Umh...what part of this LARGE belly did they miss??? :)

I feel great...the doctor just wants my blood pressure to stay under control so I can make it safely to 37 weeks.

My cerclage comes out on Monday!!!!!!!!! The doctor moved up removal because he wants to give my cervix time to "ripen." He wants it to start doing what most pregnant woman do at 37 weeks. He wants it to start changing on it's own to make the induction process and labor easier on my body. It is crazy to think we have spent 9 long months worried about my cervix staying the same and NOW it is time for it to start moving! I had my last 17p injection on Thursday. I will have my last OB appt Monday and my last MFM appt on next Thursday. I can't believe we are 10 days away to a happy, healthy, full term baby boy!!!

The anxiety is still here. I am trying my best to keep it at bay. I work hard to only focus on the positive. It just is all still scary. I can't wait to hold my little miracle!

almost there

2011-05-08T21:21:00.001-05:00

Just another day...

I convinced myself of that last night before I finally found sleep. Insomnia is in full force lately - partly because I have to pee every 30 mins and partly because it has haunted me for 16 long months. I decided to just let today be. No worries, no tears. And, I did just that. I woke around 4am for a bathroom break and thanked God for the chance to be a mom...even if just a short time with Trent and hopefully years with Ian. I cried then. I cried that He has entrusted two little lives to me. I cried that I will never celebrate this day with my sweet Trent. I cried because Ian was moving away within me. I am blessed. Sometimes it is hard to understand that when one child is in heaven.

Tomorrow marks 2 weeks until delivery!!! 14 days!! I am beyond excited! I can't believe we made it here. Yes, I still freak out when Ian goes too long without moving. I convince myself something must be wrong. I worry about how I will tell everyone that something has gone wrong. And, then I have to grab control of my crazy mind and realize that he is okay...he is living...he is mine.

Today Ken got up before me and went to get me flowers...a dozen beautiful roses for being the mommy to his boys. Ian bought me a pound of Twizzlers and a Kit Kat :) These are two things I have craved the entire pregnancy. My husband is precious. I am blessed.

Two weeks. I can't wait to introduce him to the world! (via pictures of course)

anxiety

2011-05-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

that ugly monster is rearing it's ugly head again! I am not sure if it is because it is Mother's Day weekend and something seems to be missing.... a HUGE something...my first born :( or if it is just that now I KNOW that my Ian will be here in 15 days or less? I don't know. But, my anxiety level is high...again.

It is so strange that my google searches have gone from how many weeks pregnant I am to all about having a newborn. It is a strange switch. I remember after Trent died I would google...my son died, now what? or infant death or surviving grief. I didn't think I would ever want to let alone need to google about pregnancy. I stopped watching all tv shows that had to deal with babies, birth, pregnancy...anything that would trigger my grief. In the last few weeks I have been drawn back to "A Baby Story" on TLC. I cry every. single. time. the baby cries for the first time. I think that is the moment that will change my view on labor and delivery. Trent was born alive...but silent. God willing - Ian will be born alive and screaming!

I hate that Mother's Day will never feel exactly right. I hate that the child that gave me the title will never be here to celebrate. I hate that there are 100's of women who will cry this Sunday because their child is already in heaven. I hate that if we went to church this weekend I would be passed over for the corsage or flower because I have no child attached to my hip (although with this large belly I am gain a flower). I hate that if we went to lunch I would not get the free drink or dessert or what ever is being offered because the table would be occupied by just Ken and I. (We will be going nowhere Sunday since I am on full bedrest) I hate that in the years to come I will only have Ian with me and not Trent too. Don't get me wrong...I am beyond in love with this little boy in my womb...I just miss his big brother.

I have just two weeks and one day left to enjoy this pregnancy. I keep thinking of all that could go wrong now...all the reasons he would not come home. I try to shut my mind up and just enjoy his kicks and punches. I pray non-stop that he comes home that week in May. I try and prepare myself for the worse and yet am hoping for the best. I feel like my brian must be broken to keep fearing when I am so very close to the end. I hate it. I really wish I could just stop my mind and let my heart win this battle...

Happy Mother's Day...even to those whose sweet children went before and are already waiting in glory. It is a hard day. It is a hard life we live. We will see them again...and the next time we see them we will never say goodbye.

19

2011-05-04T11:40:00.000-05:00

19 days!!!

That is about all....bed rest has me pretty bored! I am hating day time tv and going to start reading my breast feeding books today.

It is ALL worth it because in 19 short days I will be holding my son!!!!!!!!!!!!!

19!

I can't really believe it!

mommy

2011-05-02T21:29:00.000-05:00

It is coming...very quickly. No, not Ian - although we are 21 days away from him! Mother's Day. This has been a hard day for many years. I have always celebrated my mommy - and she is hands down the best mom around! But, I have yearned to have that same title. Trent awarded me that title...in a very different way than most moms.

I put myself through college working at day cares and preschools. It took me 5 years to get my AA and another 3 to finish my BA. BUT, I finished and that is what matters! I worked at a few different daycare when I was getting my AA. I would work from 7:30 am - 6:00 pm and then head straight to the college for night classes. One semester I took a 7:00 am class and then worked. I think back on those days and wonder why I tried so hard!! Anyway, I remember I was working in the baby class and a young mom enrolled her twins. I was 19 or 20 and she was the same age as me. She had a little boy and a little girl. They were the sweetest little kids around! I just fell in love with them. The little boy took a real liking to me. Anytime I left the room he would just cry and cry. I started taking him with me anytime I needed to go out of the classroom. He would follow me everywhere. His mom dropped the twins off at 6:30am - the minute the doors were unlocked she was dropping them off - and they were always the last to be picked up - right at 6:00pm. She worked the night shift at a local restaurant so it was normally their grandma that picked them up. I remember one day the little guy was so very sick. He was sick when she dropped them off and got worse during the day. She told us that morning he wasn't feeling good but she already had plans to go to the beach...so she brought them anyway. I took his temp around nap time and it was 103 (sad that I still remember all this 10 years later). We called her and it went to voice mail. The director called over and over again. She finally called the grandmother and said that he needed to be picked up within 30 minutes or we would meet them at the ER (school policy). I remember the mother came storming into the school about 20 minutes later and picked him up...she was IRATE. She yelled and screamed. She was awful. All of that is to say this...I loved that little boy. I wished he were mine! I am sure he spent more hours in a week with me than he did with her. BUT, no matter what she was the mom. His eyes always would light up when she walked through the door. He ran to her arms as fast as he could the minute she arrived...every time. He was hers. Bottom line - I was jealous. Even if she wasn't the best mother in my eyes...she was still his mom. I wanted to have that.

Ian will be here so very soon. MY son. MY child. He has spent the last 8.5 months in my womb. He knows the sound of my heartbeat. He will know the sound of my voice. He will find comfort in my touch. He will get his nourishment from my breast. He will know my smell. I will be the one to soothe him as he cries. I will be the one to tickle his toes and get a smile. I will be the one that knows every little inch of his body. I will be the one that dresses him. I will be the one to rock him to sleep. I will be the one comforts him when he is sick. It will be my hand that applies the medicine to his aching gums when he is teething. It will be me that changes his diaper in the wee hours of the morning. I will watch as he takes his first step. I will be the on he clings to in a room full of strangers. I will be the one who cries as I drop him off for a day at daycare. I will be the one who makes his eyes light up when I pick him up. I will watch as he plays his first t-ball game. I will cheer him on as he runs the bases the wrong way. I will be ready to be the tooth fairy as he loses his first tooth. I will be there the day he feels left out at school. I will be the one he asks about the tough questions. I will be there to comfort him when a girl breaks his heart. I will be the one who buys the zit cream when acne over runs his face. I will be there when he starts high school. I will be the nervous wreck as he takes his drivers exam. I will be the one screaming loudly as he walks across the stage as he graduates high school. It will be me that he will call "mom." ME...and only me. I will be the only mom he will ever know. I am his mommy. I will annoy him...embarrass him...drive him nuts. I will love him more than he will ever understand. I am ready and willing for a life time full of moments that I can't even dream of yet. I will be the one he wants. I am his mother.

Ken will play an equally important role as daddy - something I don't underestimate by any means. But, I will never understand it. I will never be his daddy. I am his mommy.

I can't wait. I am scared of all that is before me and over-joyed that I get the chance to be called mom.

country strong

2011-04-29T17:04:00.001-05:00

Now that I am on full bed rest I have some time on my hands :) Today I laid on the couch and watched tv...all day. I watched a lot of the Royal Wedding and then got a little sick of it! I rented the movie "Country Strong." Have you seen it? The star of the movie lost a baby at 5 1/2 months. She was drunk and feel off a stage and the baby died. The movie did not focus a lot on the loss of that child. But, it of course stuck out to me the entire time. She spent months in rehab and therapy. When she finally went back on the road someone sent her a box with a bloody baby doll in it and called her a baby killer. She tried to talk to her husband about it and at one point talked about how she loved that little boy more than anything else. It was a little emotional for me!

A few days ago I was in the "man cave" with Ken. He was playing xbox and I was on his computer. I was reading blogs. I follow and read lots of them...on lots of different topics. The majority of blogs I read are on the topic of infant loss or infertility...two subjects very dear to my heart. I found a new one last week and was reading it from the beginning. I was crying while reading the birth story. Ken looked over and said, "Why do you read those? Why do you do this to yourself? You don't need to read them anymore. You won." I asked what he meant by "you won." He said something to the effect of ... you did it...you survived his death and fought to get pregnant again...and now we are only weeks away from our second child.

Grief is a crazy thing. Grief can make people do insane things. Grief can eat you alive. Grief can stop your life from ever moving forward. At the end of the movie she has had too much...she ends it all. I wonder how many people make that choice after losing a child? I watch shows on hoarding or people with serious mental illness and so many of the cases start with the loss of a child. Grief can do that. It can take a perfectly healthy, normal person and turn them into a person so lost, so desperate for relief of the pain they chose drugs, or alcohol, or death to escape it. Grief haunts people. Grief chases people. Grief can be so all consuming you don't see a way to ever get around it. Grief can be so big it can make you not even be able to breath. I know this because I have been there. I have felt it all...and some days I still do. But, I won. I conquered the debilitating aspects of grief. I rose above it. I stood firm in my faith and let God walk me past all that could have stopped me.

I wish that I could sit beside some of these women and tell them one day they will see the sun again. One day they will breath again without the crushing pain. One day they will feel hope, joy, happiness again.

It is a hard road. And, I am not done yet...or ever will be. I wonder about the emotions I will feel on the day Ian is born. I wonder what it will be like to be in labor again knowing the outcome will be so different. I wonder what it will be like to have him safe, happy, healthy, and alive in my arms. Last night I dreamt of him. It was so lifelike. I had him in my arms and was nursing him. He was just staring up at me. I can't believe that in 24 days that dream will be a reality. 13 years after being diagnosed with PCOS, 6 years after meeting the man of my dreams and telling him we may never have a child of our own, 4 years of trying to conceive, too many doctors saying it would never be, 503 days after the birth and death of our first child ---- we are 24 days away from holding our second son. I guess you could say we won...only by the grace of God...we won.

May 23

2011-04-28T17:01:00.000-05:00

I will be induced May 23, 2011 !!!

That is 25 days from today!!!!

My cerclage will be removed on May 20th and if I don't go into labor naturally over the weekend Monday morning will start the induction!

I can't even tell you how excited I am !!!

25 days until my life changes forever!

25 days!!!!

I was put on full bed rest as of today :( I have been on "modified" bed rest since my cerclage was placed. It just meant I had to be off my feet a few hours a day, no long standing, no exercise, no sex, no lifting, no heavy cleaning. BUT, now it is full on - in the bed all day - bed rest. Why? The doctor wants a full term baby! I can't argue. My blood pressure has been an issue for a number of weeks and with all my complications he says it would be best to stay off my feet for the next three weeks. I CAN get up to shower, make food, and doctor appts. AND, he says if I HAVE to get out of the house once a week or so I can. I can deal with it! I was pretty sure I would be on full bed rest from 14 weeks on ... but I made it to 34 weeks without it!

25 days .... 25 days .... 25 days :)

the end is near

2011-04-27T21:55:00.000-05:00

I don't know when the "this can't be real" feeling will go away. I am guessing when he is in my arms ... alive and well. It has been a long, hard 16 months. I can't believe I am so very close to meeting my sweet second born.

I had my final growth scan today...5 lbs 2 oz! I have a 5 lb baby boy growing healthy inside my womb!!!!! God is so good!

I have been seeing the MFM (maternal fetal medicine doctor) once a week since 13 weeks. I am 34 weeks this week...that is A LOT of appts! My chart probably weighs in at about the same weight as Ian! The doctor joked with me today that the little prongs are not even holding in the paper anymore. Every nurse knows me and our story. It is wonderful that we have had such great treatment...just a little sad that it has even been necessary. My doctor said today that with all the stuff that has gone wrong this pregnancy and all the complications I have had he didn't think it would be safe to go past 37 weeks. That is 23 days away!!!!!!!!! I apologized for being so complicated. He laughed at me for apologizing. I loved that he said, "so when do you think we should call it quits?" I said, "TODAY!" He said if my blood pressure was still as high as it had been before the medication he would be suggesting delivery in the next two weeks...but the medicine has it under control so Ian gets a few extra weeks. I am fine with that...I am beyond thrilled to have a FULL TERM baby! I can't even believe it! My incompetent cervix has held tight for 34 weeks...and is now holding in a 5 lb 2 oz baby plus placenta plus fluid...I just can't even process it.

The MFM will not actually be the doctor that delivers Ian...that will be my normal OB. I see him tomorrow. He will have my ultrasound report and the recommendation from the MFM of "calling it quits" at 37 weeks. I hope to leave tomorrow's appt with the date for induction or c-section! I still don't know what he will recommend. The MFM says he thinks vaginal delivery is a real possiblilty. But, it is up my OB.

I can't believe that my little man will be in my arms in the next few weeks.

45 days

2011-04-25T19:37:00.001-05:00

REALLY??!!?!?! Can it really be? I mean you are pregnant for like 5,000 days and I am down to the last 45! Well, it feels like 5,000 days anyway! I can't believe that I am so very close to the end. There are SO many emotions mixed with these last few weeks!

Ian's nursery is at the top of our stairs and every day when I walk up the stairs and see it my heart is full of joy. Ken made me finish organizing this weekend. His nursery is filled to the brim with gifts from two amazing baby showers. He is such a loved little boy! (And, I might have shopped a tad once I made it past 24 weeks). I can't wait to have this little boy in my arms. I can't wait to bring him home from the hospital!!

Ken and I are pretty sure this will be our last pregnancy. It has not been an easy 5,000 days and the pregnancy with Trent was tragic...so, we are thinking no more pregnancies for me. Ken would be okay with me having my tubes tied. I can't make that kind of commitment. I went for 10 years thinking I was infertile and to actually make myself infertile seems too much. It is strange to even worry about birth control. I never thought we would have to make these decisions. Thoughts? The pill is easy enough...however, because of my PCOS I have a very hard time tolerating the pill. I asked my doctor about an IUD, because I have an incompetent cervix I can't have one. It is crazy that I am even worrying about it. Ian is due very soon and I want to make sure we are prepared.

The next big issue weighing on my mind: c-section or natural? I have talked to my OB about an elective c-section for a number of weeks. I have down right begged him for one! I know it is pathetic. I am just so very scared to go though labor and delivery again. My experience with it is not good...death. BUT, over the last few weeks and long talks with Ken and my mom I wonder if going through a "normal" delivery would be healing for me. My mom has six children and seven grandchildren. Trent was number six and Ian will be number eight. She has been at all of them. She had all natural births and there have been 3 c-sections in the grandchildren. She ASSURES me what I went through with Trent was NOT normal. I am starting to believe her. I mean most people don't labor for 15 hours and have a doctor come in to tell them that they are dying. Most people don't have to sign autopsy papers during labor. Most people don't have to worry that their child will survive the birth canal. Most people don't worry that their husband will not make it back in time to meet their child in their short lives. Wednesday is my next and probably last big ultrasound. They will do measurements. I have BPP's and NST's twice a week so I know that Ian is laying transverse right now. He was head down a week ago and he flipped the end of last week to transverse. IF he stays this way (I doubt because he kind of does gymnastics in there) the c-section will not be my choice - it will be medically necessary. Also, if he is abnormally large (because of the gestational diabetes) again I will not have a choice. But, if all goes well it will be up to me. I am on the fence. Do babies really live at the end of a normal birth? Can I really go through labor and delivery and have a live, screaming baby boy at the end? A c-section seems easy. I know the recovery is not easy. I know it is major surgery. I know there are risks with a c-section. But, it seems like I check in the hospital and then the doctor delivers the baby. UGH! It seems silly to worry. I just can't help but be more and more scared as these days grow shorter and shorter.

In less than 45 days I will be holding my second son! Can you believe it??????????

Easter...again

2011-04-23T19:47:00.000-05:00

Last Easter was my first holiday without him. His due date was not for a few more weeks and I think that helped me to not fully have a break down on Easter. I had not planned on him being here on Easter...but, this year he should. I should be taking pictures of him with the Easter bunny, hunting eggs, dressed in his Easter outfit. I have none of that. I thought today a dozen times how I should know where and when the Easter egg hunts are taking place in town. I should know because I should be taking my son.

I looked back on my blog from Easter Sunday a year ago. (I am glad I have written this journey down. I think one day I will have it bound into a book...my journey through grief.) A year ago I was desperate to be pregnant again...a year later I am. VERY pregnant again. Praise God. But, the pain never really subsides. Yes, there is joy. Yes, there is hope. Yes, there is Ian. But, Trent forever is gone.

Easter is the most important holiday of all. It is the reason I have hope. It is the reason I have been able to continue on for the last 15 months. Easter is the celebration of the Resurrection. The only reason I live. Jesus gave His life for me...for you...for Trent...for Ian...for us all. His story to the cross is heartbreaking. His journey was not an easy one. He questioned His Father along the way...but He did it. He hung on that cross. He died an awful death. And now...HE LIVES!

One of my favorite hymns from when I was a kid...because He lives, I can face tomorrow...

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

I just googled the lyrics because I only remember the chorus (above)

The second verse...

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

Because He lives...

I have faced many tomorrows...when it felt like it hurt too much to carry on...He carried me.

I can face tomorrow...

because He lives.

such a long road

2011-04-19T20:57:00.000-05:00

I never thought I would be back to joy...

It's been a long time

But, my time is finally near.

I'm emotional tonight...in the way that my heart is bursting with joy for my son.

My hubby spent time tonight talking to my belly...it melts my heart to think of him with his son in his arms...in just a few short weeks. I have only ever seen him hold our dead child...this time will be different.

Ian James - I can't wait to meet you!

http://youtu.be/t1sYjDc8i4I

It's been a long road
Getting from there to here
It's been a long time
But my time is finally near

And I can feel the change in the winds right now
Nothing's in my way
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No there not gonna hold me back

Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

It's been a long night
Trying to find my way
Been through the darkness
Now I finally have my day
And I will see my dreams come alive at last
I will touch the sky
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No there not gonna change my mind

Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

I've known a wind so cold and seen the darkest days
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change
I've been through the fire and I've been through the rain
But I'll be fine

Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith

I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got strength of the soul
And no one's gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I've got faith
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

It's been a long road

Oh, it's been long road

his heartbeat

2011-04-18T21:50:00.000-05:00

I had my first NST today. NST = non stress test. I am not sure exactly how the baby passes or fails but for almost over an hour and a half Ian was not in the mood to cooperate with the nurses. I don't know what they were looking for. But, I know that I got to lay in a dark room with my sweet son kicking me the ENTIRE time. I was hooked up to a heart beat monitor and a contraction monitor. I will have two of these tests a week until he is born. His heart beat was good and steady...but not what the nurses wanted. So, I just stayed on the monitor longer. I laid on the table thinking of all that was coming. I laid thinking of how I would never hear a sound sweeter than that of my son's heart. His life beating inside of my womb. His body being knit together for a purpose I can not yet see. His features already laid out. His DNA already the perfect mix of mommy and daddy. His heart...beating.

The last time I heard Trent's heart beat was moments before he was born. They did not keep me hooked up to monitors the whole time I was in labor with him. I asked about 7:30 am to hear his heart beat again...for the last time. It was slower than it had been. He was already low in my birth canal and the nurse had a hard time finding him. If only I would have known...if only I could have seen the pain that was coming.

I heard this song yesterday...not for the first time...but, I really heard it yesterday...

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

Chorus:
God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This world’s gone crazy and it’s hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love ‘em anyway

Repeat Chorus

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love, anyway

I went through a phase after Trent died and then again when I was first pregnant with Ian...I thought maybe if I hadn't loved him so very much from the moment he was created maybe my heart would not hurt so much. And, with Ian I thought if I didn't invest myself so fully in the pregnancy I would not get hurt as bad if he died. But, I couldn't. And, I didn't with Trent. I love both of my boys with my whole heart. This song has been stuck in my head...I did it anyway. My whole world fell apart on that January day...I wouldn't love him less. I can't. My heart will forever be tied to his...as short as his life was...as tiny as his body was...as perfect as his heartbeat...I will forever miss him.

Today as I listened and felt Ian kick and squirm inside of me I thanked God for his life. The life I can't yet see...I can dream of...but I can't see it. I could have given up after Trent died. It would have been easier. But, Ken and I chose to dream of another child.

I carry my second son with such love that I didn't know I could feel again...

8 months

2011-04-17T18:59:00.001-05:00

PREGNANT!!

Who knew pregnancy was so hard? I mean it is a lot of work!! First, I never in my life thought I would be able to even say the sentence "I am 8 months pregnant." Second, I had no idea I would bitch about it so much ;) It is not easy growing a human! But, I am so excited about the end result. I had a scare last week and after the MFM got my blood work back and called my normal ob they had me rush in for steroids for Ian's lungs. It scared me because they were worried about my blood pressure and having to take him early. I know at 32 weeks he could and would be fine. But, it still scared me. The nurse told me that I should pack by bags for an extended stay at the hospital but the doctor sent me home to rest instead. I am much happier to be resting at home instead of at the hospital! I feel very relieved that his lungs now have the steroids and that he is getting closer and closer to being in my arms.

Last night I was getting his bath room ready. Who knew it took a screw driver to put together a baby bath tub? I was almost giddy at the thought of Ian being here with us. Bath time will be Daddy's special time with Ian. We decided this with Trent and will do the same thing with Ian. My thought is for the first few months with nursing Ken will need special bonding time with Ian...bath time will be their special time. I put all the towels and washcloths away in the cabinets. I opened all the bath toys and put them in the net on the wall (I know he will not need them for a very long time). It was so fun knowing in just a few weeks he will be here.

I am getting so excited. I can't wait to hold this little miracle!!!

members only

2011-04-14T22:03:00.001-05:00

I have been standing in line for years.

I have tried to get in. I have watched as what seems like everyone around me gets in. I have cried, begged, pleaded, and tried to get in. I have spent hours begging the Bouncer...telling him all the reasons I should get in. I have stood on the street and watched.

I can see in the club from out here. It starts with newborn land. I can see the happy club members with their brand new babies. I can see the smiles. I can even smell the baby powder from where I stand outside. The days are filled with no sleep and lots of diaper changes. I can see this room the most clearly...it is closest to the door.

I watch as the club members move from this land of newborns and infants into the toddler room. The first steps, first real food, first laughs, first time in preschool. I can see it all happening. I yearn for it. I beg to be let back there. I want to be part of the club...more than I could ever imagine.

The club members slowly move into the school years. I still watch as they move through this amazing life. I watch as they take their kids to soccer, scouts, church, basketball. I watch as they celebrate birthdays and send their kids out to their first sleep overs. I watch as the kids lose their first tooth and the tooth fairy visits. I can see the laughter as the family experiences all those precious moments. I can also see the tears and the fear the club members as things don't go according to plan.

The middle school and high school days seem so far away. But, they are there. The anxiety seems to rise in these days for the club members.

I have stood in the street for so long watching. I have cried as I was not invited to the birthday parties, not asked to come trick or treating because I don't have kids to go along, not thought of to join in on conversations because my club membership has been denied for so many years. I stand on the street and I watch people walk through the doors with no questions asked, no pain. I watch as others walk through with the "deer in the headlight' look...not knowing that they ever wanted access to the club but they are going anyway. I have watched as people are dragged through the door kicking and screaming...not wanting what comes once they are behind those doors.

The street is filled with others...single women who need a partner to go with, others who are battling infertility, and those who saw just a moment of the inside and were kicked back out.

I have been to the waiting room. I was let in...for a little while. I was admitted just to the waiting room. I was beyond excited. I was finally in. I finally crossed the line. I finally had what I had wanted for so long. As fast as they let me in they kicked me back out. I feel like I was a fake...I snuck in some how. I never got to that first room. I never got to do even the first diaper change. I never made it that far.

But, I have been let back in. I am back in the holding room. The sights and sounds from here are different from the street. I can hear the giggles, cries, and cooing. I am so very close to finally being admitted for good. I am so close to never going back to the street. My heart still hurts for those I left behind. I want them all to cross over with me. I want them all to know what I am embarking on.

In the next few weeks I should finally get my membership card. The wait will soon be over. The "members only" jacket has been ordered. The diapers stocked up. The first stage room is prepped. I just hope I don't get pulled back to the street. I hope I finally get in.

sometimes I forget

2011-04-12T20:07:00.000-05:00

how hard this all is on daddy too...

Tonight after dinner Ken turned to me and said "please bring my son home."

My poor husband. This last year and a half has been so hard on both of us. This pregnancy has been so full of complications and Ken is the one I cry to. I cry about everything lately...but, especially about how this pregnancy keeps getting harder and harder.

I had blood work done yesterday because of my blood pressure issues. The doctors started me on blood pressure medicine last week and my numbers have still been high. I also had protein in my urine from the 24 hour test. The nurse called to tell me my results and told me I should come to my appointment on Thursday with a bag packed...for the hospital. I of course hung up the phone and cried.

I am overwhelmed with all of the information from today and my poor husband is even more overwhelmed. He worries about me and of course his son. I wish I could make it all better for him...for both of us.

Poor guy.

life

2011-04-11T22:51:00.001-05:00

Tonight I was laying in bed feeling my second son kick and move and thought about his life. The fear of him coming too early is gone for me now. I don't worry about a premature birth like I did for so many weeks. The anxiety has turned to waiting to meet him...share a life with him. Who will he look like? What color will his hair be? Will he have daddy's laugh? Mommy's feet? Daddy's dimples? Will he love with his whole heart? Will he grow into an amazing man like his dad? Will he love science like dad or english like mom? What will he be when he grows up? What will his life be? I can't wait to experience it. I can't wait to watch him grow. I can't wait to be his mommy.

As I laid there thinking of Ian my thoughts turned to Trent and his life. I had all these same questions while pregnant with him. Although, I haven't let myself really think about these things with Ian until recently. I have been to scared to dream of his life. That day in the hospital I held Trent's whole little life in my hands. I wish I could have seen what it could have been...should have been...would have been. It is so hard to process past the grief filled moments that I held him to think of all that I missed. My sister had my niece one week after Trent. We iChat with them often. My sister tells me of the cute things she does. I don't often compare her life to the life of Trent...but tonight I thought about how I should have a son doing those same cute things. I miss all that should have been...could have been....would have been. I miss his life.

Ian is due in 59 days. I am not sure we will make it that far with my cerclage being removed somewhere between week 36 and 37. I can't help but picture what it will be like for the nurse to place him in my arms...and I won't have to give him back. The moments after Trent died they took his body from me to take pictures, footprints, and dress him. I was handed back a lifeless body...his whole life already over. What will it be like to hold a baby boy that will stay with me? What will it be like to feel him in my arms for days, months, years instead of mere moments? What will it be like to drive away from the hospital with a child strapped safely in his car seat? What will it be like to come home and carry in my son instead of an urn with his ashes?

I know what life with grief is like. I know what life is like after you watch your child die in your arms. I know what life is like when the world moves on and you are stuck in a perfect moment in time. I know what life is like with no hope for the future.

I am ready for a life with a living son.

I am ready to share this sweet boy with all of you.

the "norm"

2011-04-10T16:31:00.000-05:00

There is not a lot about my pregnancy that is "normal." I mean, yes, I am growing a baby and he is healthy and strong. HE is perfectly normal according to all tests and scans. ME on the other hand...not so much. Every time I see the MFM (maternal fetal medicine doctor) ((high risk ob)) he seems to diagnosis me with some new problem. Last week it was too much amniotic fluid. This week it was high blood pressure. I have been fighting the high blood pressure since about 27 weeks but this time he finally added bp meds. 1-2% of women have an incompetent cervix. 7% of pregnant women develop gestational diabetes. Less than 10% develop hyper-tension (high bp). My list could go on and on. But, I seem to ALWAYS fall in the small percent of woman who are not "normal." At the end of the day it is okay because Ian is okay. But, it has made from some trying emotional times for me. I feel like my body is very, very bad at being pregnant. I feel bad that I am so bad at this!

Yesterday, I felt very normal. Yesterday was my baby shower. There were no strange percentages that I feel in. There were no new diagnosis'. There were no problems. There were just friends and family celebrating the life of my soon to be born son...and it was wonderful. It was almost surreal. Normal. Laughing, cake, punch, food, presents, pictures, a big pregnant belly...and it was all for Ian...and for mommy. It was such a fun time.

i can only imagine

2011-04-02T09:11:00.000-05:00

I have loved this song since the day it came out on the radio. It holds a special place in my heart from the days I was in full time youth ministry. I hear this song and picture the girls from my youth group and those were some of my favorite times. We played it at Trent's funeral. I sobbed through the whole thing. I couldn't listen to the song after that. But, there is a new "anniversary" addition on the radio these days. The first few times I flipped the station...too much pain. But, yesterday I was on my way to a work training and a lady called in to say how she had come to Jesus. She shared that she was at a funeral and the pastor gave an inviatation at the end of the service. He said if they wanted to see the sweet baby again it would be in heaven and they would need to invite Jesus in their heart. She said she immediatley went forward, as did her whole family. She needed to see that little boy again...as it was her son. This woman is from Odessa, TX...the next city over from Midland. The story was on K-love, a national Christian station. It was so strange to hear another mom share her grief and the amazing story her son's life really is! They finished that clip with playing the anniversary edidtion of "I can only Imagine." Yesterday, I listened. I heard the words as if they were for the first time.

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

My sweet Trent is already there...dancing at the feet of our Saviour. I cried as the song played. I remembered the grief and pain I felt at his funeral. I could almost taste it again. My grief and pain was so heavy in the days and weeks after he died it was like I could taste it, smell it, feel it, breath it. I heart those words and thought how selfish that I want him here so badly. His life was lived in pure love and he got to go straight back into perfection.

I can only imagine how sweet it is up there...my baby boy worshiping Him for all of time.

No pain, no judgement, no tears.

I miss him more than words can say...but, I can only imagine how perfect his world already is.

30 weeks!!!

2011-04-01T20:36:00.001-05:00

AHHHHh!!

I can't even believe it!

I love to come to my blog in the evening because the little counter on the top turns to the next day before midnight rolls around and it makes me feel special it see it on the next day already...I am a dork...I know. It is okay...I have come to terms with it.

I am very obviously pregnant these days...no more wondering if I am fluffy or knocked up...it is definitely knocked up. I guess unless you haven't been around many pregnant bellies and then you would wonder...

Anyway, I had an all day training event for work today. I, of course, had to get up an go to the potty every 30 minutes or so. The other women in the room would give me sympathetic smiles and I waddled out for the 100th time. When lunch came around everyone wanted to know...when are you due? how much longer? boy or girl? is this your first? I really enjoy sharing about my pregnancy and I don't mind the questions. But, i hate making strangers feel uncomfortable. I try to just answer with "No, it is my second." (and continue smiling as they ohh and ahhh) But, most people seem to follow up with "how old is your first?" And, then I simply say "He would be a year old, he died shortly after birth." You know the responses...they range from comfort, to strange, to silence. And, really it is okay, I am pretty used to it by now. But, today the woman sitting across from me kept asking me more questions about Trent...in current text. She asked how I was decorating the nursery and I told her in planes. She asked what my older son's room was done it. She asked if he was excited to be a big brother. I didn't answer that one. I played the whole conversation back in my head and thought 'did I tell her he died or did I leave that part out?' After 3 or 4 more questions about Trent's life I finally said, "He passed away." She went pale. Whoops. She said, "I thought that is what you said before but I thought I must have heard wrong." She went on to tell me she had a still birth in between her girls. It was 15 years ago and she NEVER talks about it. She just forgets that infant death happens. The speaker came up to me on break and asked the same string of questions...when are you due? boy or girl? what is his name? first? And, I told her the same answers. She asked how old my first was and I told her he was 22 minutes old when he went to heaven. She got tears in her eyes and said, "My first son would be 40 next week. He was born a preemie and lived 10 months before going to heaven." She took my hand and said, "He will always be your first, your baby, your whole heart." And, then she kind of just walked away. 40 years later and still teary eyed. I am amazed every single day the amount of people who walk this path. There are the women who never discuss it, the ones who live for the death, the ones who know my pain in such an intimate way. It is so heartbreaking.

It is hard not to find joy in my Ian James! But, I wish I could go back to the days when all I knew was the joy...when the heartache wasn't part of the equation too.

30 whole weeks...praise God!!!

We are only six to seven weeks away from removing my cerclage...it has already been in place for 16 weeks...seems like just yesterday I was freaking about the surgery!

high risk

2011-03-31T23:20:00.000-05:00

I have had a tooth ache since 13 weeks. It isn't an awful, keep you awake, tear-making tooth ache...just a dull ache that from time to time flares up just a bit. I called my dentist at around 13 weeks to make an appointment and mentioned I was pregnant. They wanted a note from my OB before they would see me. My OB wanted to wait until my cerclage was placed to give me permission to go. So, I put it off. Last week the dull ache was growing to an ache most of the time. I called my OB and he said yes I could go! I called the dentist for another appointment and picked up my permission slip. I waited 45 minutes to be called back to be told I am too high risk to be seen during pregnancy. Really? UGH!

Being a high risk pregnant women is not all bad. I get to see Ian weekly via ultrasound, doctors take every little thing I say or worry about pretty seriously, and of course I am in the doctor's office so much I forget that I don't life there. But, it is hard too. I was talking to my little sister Cassie this week about my gestational diabetes and she said, "Gosh, it wears me out just hearing about your pregnancy!" Yep! It wears me out living through it too!! And, don't get my started on my poor hubby and all the moaning he has to listen too!!

I am 35 minutes away from 30 weeks!!!!! I have set many small goals along the way and 30 weeks was my last MAJOR milestone! There is nothing medically amazing about 30 weeks...I have just had the feeling if I could get to 30 weeks I will be bringing Ian home! And, WE ARE HERE!!!!!!! All my doctor's appointments, all my illnesses, all my issues, being high risk...it is all okay because we are in the 30th week!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!! We are in the home stretch and Ian will be here before I know it!

People always tell me that once he is here I will forget how hard this pregnancy was...I really don't believe that! But, I do know it will all be worth it!

real

2011-03-29T22:34:00.000-05:00

When does it start to feel real?

I have days when I look around my home, quickly filling up with baby stuff, and it feels real. But, there are other days that I just can't let myself believe that this little miracle growing in my womb is mine. I know it is crazy. It is so hard for me to picture labor and delivery as a happy time, a time when they give me my son and don't take him back, a time when Ken and I share in the first cries from our second born. It is hard to imagine leaving the hospital with a baby strapped in the back seat ... and not just a memory box with his footprints.

I am feeling pretty miserably pregnant these days. My blood sugar is sky high from my gestational diabetes. I follow the plan the dietician gave me and still it seems to be getting higher and higher. I feel miserable most of the time because it stays too high. I have lots of pressure when I walk. I am beyond hormonal! And, of course getting fatter by the second. It is funny to think that I would complain...this is all I have ever wanted in my life...but, being pregnant is hard work!! My poor hubby is pretty worn out from all my moaning and groaning lately. I really want to be pleasant...it just seems to escape me lately.

I can't believe Friday is my "big" milestone!!! When I was first pregnant I set some dates...and asked you to pray along with me that we would make those dates. My first was making it to my cerclage - we sailed through surgery with no trouble. My next was making it to the point I lost Trent - this was a little harder. My emotions were raw and my heart was so very broken. But, we made it - passed it. Next came viability...24 weeks. Again, we sailed right through with no issues!! After the 24 week mark my next big goal was 30 weeks. Why 30 weeks? I am not exactly sure...but, my mom and I had said from the beginning if I could make it to 30 weeks it would be VERY likely that i would bring a baby home this time. So, here we are...days away from 30 weeks!!!!!!! I can't even believe it! 7 1/2 months pregnant! I don't have any other milestones set. I guess I wasn't exactly sure I would make it here! I can't believe I actually google "cerclage removal" these days! I can't believe I have come far enough that we are only six or seven weeks away from removal! Ian weighed 3 lbs 2 oz at last weeks ultrasound and according to the doctor should start gaining 1/2 a pound a week now until birth. The doctor told me his chances of survival now are 95%...and he followed that statement up with "but, I think we are going to make it to 37 or 38 weeks." God is so good!!! I just can't believe that my sweet boy is growing healthy and strong! It seems unreal!

When will it feel real??

defining me

2011-03-27T20:21:00.001-05:00

For a lot of months I felt like infant loss defined me.

When I was little my older brother and I had a rocky relationship to say the least. It is hard to explain in a few short sentences the lifetime of hate and hurt he has caused me. It has taken years...and will continue to take years to overcome the things he did and said to me. For many, many years I let his definition of me define me. He saw my life as pointless, meaningless, a problem, and most of all I was in the way. He spoke hurtful, hateful things into my heart as often as possible. Because of this I have felt worthless for years. He moved away when I was 16 and it was in the next few years that I actually was able to find "me" ... without his influence. I remember, as I shed many tears, my mom and dad telling me that focusing on him and what he did just made me more and more like him. I didn't understand that for years. But, as I look back I realize that the time I spent focusing on his anger and hatred towards me just made me more and more angry and more hateful.

I have never felt worthy...I have blogged about this feeling of inadequacy before...

Losing Trent only amplified those feelings for a while. In my grief I have dealt with much from the past. Two nights ago I was laying in bed talking with Ken and told him that in the past 15 months my focus has been on living again...not on the death. I haven't always felt like this. There were rough days. I have met women on this journey who get stuck in the death. They can never let go of that moment ... and death defines them. The death of my son will forever define the way I LIVE. There are moments when I can only think of that sweet, precious body that I held in my arms for such a short time. But, then I am reminded that God chose me to keep living. I still have more to live for. Sometimes I feel guilt for living again. Sometimes I feel like I wish I could go back to that hospital bed and never move forward.

For years I let my brother's view of me define who I was...I don't anymore.

For the last 15 months I have tried to make Trent's LIFE define who I am becoming...not his death.

I wish my definition didn't include infant death...but it does. But, more than anything his LIFE defines me...his precious 22 minutes on the outside and the almost six months I had him all to myself on the inside. His life forever gave me the title of mother. Yes, my life could be defined by infant death.

But, I would much rather be defined as the mom of a sweet baby boy named Trent, who fought hard for 22 minutes, graced this earth for such a short time, and then went home to be with his Maker.

It is hard. But, it is a choice. A choice to live again. A choice to not focus all of my energy on the death of my son. A choice to not become like him...dead on the inside because I spend all my time focusing on the death.

My life is defined by the life of my son. My life is worth living because God gave me his precious life to hold and carry. My life includes Ian because I had faith and courage enough to focus on his life instead of his death.

that question

2011-03-22T15:18:00.000-05:00

When I was about 8 or 9 I had this question that nagged at me for weeks. I just kept wondering about it and trying to figure out how it would happen or not happen. Finally, one night before bed I thought I would test my theory and try to get the question out of my head. I really wanted to know why when you fill a glass to the very top with ice and water as the ice melts why the water doesn't overflow. Silly - I know. But, it bothered me. I asked my parents and teacher but was not satisfied with their answer. So, one night I filled a glass to the very top with ice and water and left it on the counter. I figured when I got up in the morning it would either be all over the counter or not. Well, someone dumped my water out. I never got my answer. And, 20 years later I still sometimes wonder about that. I am sure I could ask my scientist husband and he would give me a rational answer. It is really not a big deal...but it is somthing I want an answer to. I know there is a simple, scientific answer. I just don't have it.

I feel the same way about my life most days. I can't tell you why my son died and someone else's lived. But, I am 100% sure in 20 years I will still want to know. I will still wonder the answer. It will not be an easy answer to find...if I evern find it. I may search my whole life for the answer and not know until I get to heaven. And, even then I may not like the answer.

So, for now I will be content. I will realize that God has a plan for us. There is a new song playing on klove right now by Laura Story. It is called "Blessings"

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I have heard it a lot lately (let's face it Klove likes to play the same song 1000x's when it is new). Each time I hear it I think that my blessings have come through the storm of my life. My healing has come through the endless tears I have cried for my son. I may never get the answer to my question...but I will hold on to the fact that I will see him again.

the way it was

2011-03-21T21:12:00.001-05:00

I have so many friends online that I have come to know because they share the same heartache and pain that I do. Hundreds of them. Sad. It is so very sad that so many have lost a precious child. Yesterday I was chatting with one and couldn't remember how we "met." We went back to reread emails to see and tonight I went back and started reading all the ones sent in the days and weeks after Trent's birth and death. I didn't even remember most of them. I was in such a state of shock. There were dozens that I never even responded too. It seems strange now over a year later to send them a response. But, it was heartwarming to re-read the words that people took the time to write.

I remember the night they took Trent's body out of my hospital room I just laid in the hospital bed and read each and every message left for me on my Facebook wall, email, and text messages to Ken. We cried and cried together. The words were so heart felt and so moving. We heard from people we had not spoken to in years, close friends, family, strangers who were praying for us. I remember that time together being so special. I remember thinking our son mattered. It was after I read all those sweet comments that I went to hold his little body one more time. I couldn't bear the thought of living the rest of my life without him. And, yet here i am doing just that.

It is hard to imagine the pain I felt in those days. It is hard to put it back into words. When I passed the one year mark I went back and re-read all my blog entries. I felt sorry for the girl I was. I couldn't see what was to come. I couldn't process that good truly would be in our life again. The emptiness that I felt for weeks and even months was beyond what I could have even imagined.

I remember so often back then feeling like I was standing all alone while the rest of the world moved forward. I felt like I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs to make everything stop. I wanted to curl up in my bed and never come out. I wanted to die. Last night as I was falling asleep I thought about our trip back home. We left the hospital two days after Trent died. We stayed with my sister in Daytona for a few days before coming back to Texas. I was dreading the airport. The airport was where it had all began. Ken and I arrived and I was almost in a comatose state. I felt like I couldn't put one foot in front of the other. When I think back on it now I think how strong my husband was to keep pushing me forward. He held my hand the whole time, dragging me through the airport. MCO is a very busy airport. I don't remember checking in, or checking our bags...the first thing I remember from that day was standing in line for security. There were children everywhere. Mothers screaming at their kids, dad's mad with their kids, kids crying. I looked around and thought "my son's ashes are in my husband's coat pocket." How could it be? How could these people not know?? How could they just still be living??? We had to have special papers to carry his ashes through security. We had to ship the urn home seperately. Ken carried the ashes all day in his jacket pocket. I wouldn't let him put them in the carry on. I remember my breasts were engorged with milk. I remember my whole body ached from the delivery just days before. I remember I had his memory box in my carry on...his foot prints, flowers from his funeral, the clothes he wore, his hospital bracelet...and the most broken heart. I remember Ken got me breakfast and I didn't eat it. I just held it in my hand. I just watched as the world passed me by as I sat with nothing left. I remember I got up to go to the bathroom and went to touch my belly...it had become habit while pregnant to rub...and I jerked my hand away knowing my womb was now empty. I went into the bathroom and cried. I remember boarding the plane. I remember when they called for families with small children...does a family with their son's ashes count I wondered? I don't remember much more. When we finally arrived home I was done. I wanted it to have all been a bad dream. I unpacked the urn and placed his ashes on my night stand. I cry now just thinking about how hard that was. How did we go from a healthy, happy baby to just his ashes?

The weeks and months that passed were hard. The road was so long. There were many moments when it would have been easier to give up then to press on. I don't understand how I am where I am today...able to smile, laugh with my husband, go to baby showers, hold other babies, rejoice for the life inside of me. These are not things I thought would ever come. As I re-read the sweet words people sent me over a year ago I know a huge reason I am here is because of the love and support people showed us. I think the part that still hurts the most is that he will never be with us again in the physical. I have his pictures, foot prints, ashes...but, I will never have him with me again.

the sweetest video EVER

2011-03-21T12:53:00.000-05:00

transformation

2011-03-20T18:49:00.000-05:00

This weekend Ken completed the task of switching rooms in our house around. His man cave became the nursery and our guest room became the man cave. We left the bed in the guest room for visitors and more importantly for a tired daddy or mommy who needs a quiet place to sleep once our little guy arrives. It is surreal to have a nursery in our house. I sat in the recliner today and just looked around the room. I got a little teary eyed. Tears of joy and of sadness. I feel very ready to bring this baby home. I have all the stuff ready. My baby shower is in 3 weeks so I know I will have even more fun stuff very soon.

Our house has gone from just Ken and Trisha to Ken, Trisha, and room for Ian. It is a strange thought...having a child here with us...for the next 18 or so years our lives will revolve around being parents. Our house will never again be just us. Our lives will never be just the two of us again. The loss of Trent was beyond devastating. It was hard to truly process all that we lost that day...but as we set up for our second son and prepare to bring him home in tangible ways it becomes even more clear. Yesterday I started putting all the clothes into the dresser. I stopped letting myself buy clothes because I know how many outfits we will receive at the shower and how quickly he will grow! I think I have about 15 outfits total that I bought for Ian and 5 or 6 I bought for Trent. They range from newborn to 9 months. As I folded and sorted Ian kicked and swished. I told him which outfits were his big brothers and how special it would be for him to wear them. Heartbreaking.

Today Ken and I started planning our summer vacation. Ian is due in the beginning of June with my cerclage being removed in late May. We are planning a visit to Florida for the end of July - first of August. We want to spend a few days with my family in Daytona and then spend the last two days taking Ian to Disney for the first time. Yes, I realize he will only be 8-12 weeks old and have no memory of Disney. But, mommy and daddy will remember and we will take lots of pictures! As we looked at hotel prices and flights it was so strange to watch Ken check the boxes - 2 adults, 1 child - crazy! I should really get used to it. This is my second child and still I can't imagine actually being a mommy. I struggled with infertility for so long it just doesn't seem possible.

I can't wait for our life with Ian. I can't wait to watch our lives transform from Ken and Trisha to Daddy and Mommy. I can't wait to watch him grow. I am beyond blessed. And, forever will be the mommy of one little boy in heaven and (God-willing) one here on earth.

Daddy's big ugly recliner will stay in the room...it is not attractive but it sure is comfy for nursing and rocking!!

I had a hard time getting the whole room in the shot. But, here it is for the most part.

And, his crib :) Daddy is a pilot by trade (a teacher now) so we are doing the room in an aviation theme.

#2

2011-03-17T18:32:00.000-05:00

I dare say I have faith that this little one is coming home! I am giddy and excited at the thought of being a mommy again...this time to a live boy! We had our second 3D ultrasound today and Ian was so cute!!! I will post those pictures tomorrow as they are on a disk I left on my desk at work! It was so fun to watch him in 3D! I love all ultrasounds but this one we booked extra because you get to see him so clearly. Ken was with me and it was such a special time! I will leave you with a little shot from the outside...

7 weeks pregnant...

28 weeks pregnant...he has grown...just a tad :)

Ian James

2011-03-15T10:50:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning thinking how much different a year later looks.

March 15th a year ago I was still just a shell of a person...trying to figure out how to even get out of bed with the amount of grief surronding me. Tuesday's were the worst of the worst for me because that was the day he was born and died. This morning I was thinking how good God is to me. A year later and I am up to go see my second son via ultrasound. A year later and I have learned to live again. I walked down our stairs to see Ian's crib all put together and just waiting to be moved to teh nursery. A year ago I could not imagine even smiling on a Tuesday morning...and today I had joy and hope.

Ian was not as cooperative as we would have liked this morning. He kept his little hand in front of his face the entire time. We got a few good shots but they rebooked us for Thursday to try again. I left and cried. The pregnancy hormones got the best of me. I was just so excited at the idea of seeing him...and then it didn't go as planned. I think Ken and I both had mixed feelings. He doesn't look like Trent. Trent was like Ken's mini me. Ian looked a lot like me in the pictures and on the screen today. I think it really sets in even more that this is a totally different child...Trent gone forever. It is not that I ever thought they were the same person, but on some levels I had hoped Ian would look like Trent. And, of course we will not know for sure until he is born. But, it was strange today. I have had a dozen or more ultrasounds but today was the first 3D and it gives you a much better idea of his features. It is hard to put into words the emotions that go along with it...I love Ian more than I can even express and of course feel the same way about Trent.

Ken said it best, "I just want them both."

the time has come

2011-03-14T17:41:00.001-05:00

to put together the nursery!!!!

AHHHHHHH!

The first box of nursery furniture arrived on Saturday and the rest arrived today. Ken has been out of town and got back this afternoon. We are going to start getting Ian's nursery ready tonight. I can't even believe it! It seems unreal that we would even need a nursery in our house...but we do!! I am beyond thrilled. The nerves from when I first ordered it have subsided and I am now ready to go!

I had a doctors appt today and my fundal height measures 34 weeks! It should be equal with how many weeks pregnant I am...Ian is a tad on the large side. I am beyond thrilled about that! I know that may sound strange but I want a happy, big, healthy baby boy!!

Tomorrow we have our just for fun 3D/4D ultrasound. I am beyond thrilled to have this time with Ken to see our baby boy up close!

Today I am SO excited about this pregnancy! My sugar has been high and the doctor is thinking they will have to medicate me within the next week or so. And, the high sugar levels have made me pretty dehydrated. But, I can handle it all!

My sweet baby boy is due in 88 days!!! My cerclage will come out in less than 2 months!

Praise GOD!!!

a new day

2011-03-13T19:18:00.000-05:00

I had lots of emails, phone calls, and texts after yesterday's post...I guess I was a tad bit upset last night.

Today is better. Today I feel much more confident. Today I realize how blessed I am to be 27 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my sweet Ian James.

Ken is out of town for a few days and I have a hard time dealing with life when he is gone. In June we will have been together six years. Six years ago I considered myself an independent woman...who didn't need anyone. Now, I have a life partner who completes me! And, I have some small issues when he leaves town. It is silly! But, I need this man!!

failure

2011-03-12T23:39:00.001-06:00

that is how I feel. It is how i have felt since January 5, 2010. The feeling has never gone away. It has lessened...some...but is always there. I said it a lot in the beginning - "I failed my son." I stopped saying it because I got tired of people lecturing me and telling me not to feel that way. I really hate when people tell me how to feel. I hate when I have to hide my true feelings because I know putting them out there will lead to a lecture. I failed Trent. My body is broken. My broken cervix caused him to come into this world too early...and in that I failed him. I know it is not something I picked. It is not like I made the decision to drink a beer every night while I was pregnant and he was born with a birth defect. It is not like I made the choice to abort him. I loved him more than I can explain. I am broken beyond words by his death. But, in the end it is my body that failed him.

In the last few weeks as I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure and gestational diabetes I have felt that same kind of failure. I feel like yet again my body is failing my child. It scares me. I know that these kinds of things happen to lots of pregnant woman and they go on to have healthy, happy babies. But, this is not my story...my story happens to be that being diagnosed with a problem during pregnancy (incompetent cervix) leads to the death of your child. My brain can't seem to accept that these other things will not give me the same result.

My husband is visiting his parents this weekend. He asked me tonight when I wanted my in-laws to come after Ian was born. I said right away. He and I started talking about other stuff...the nursery furniture that arrived today, the heartburn that I am suffering from all the time, the fact that he is bringing back his first pair of cowboy boots for Ian...and I started to cry...sob actually. I can't help but think I will let everyone down again. I failed so many people when Trent died...my husband was robbed of his first born son. My in-laws never got to spoil their first grandchild. My parents never got to watch him walk. My brothers and sisters never got to watch their children play with mine. Everyone lost something that day...because of me. I got off the phone with Ken and cried for a while longer. I am so scared to fail everyone again. I am a people pleaser by nature and worry that it will all happen again. Labor and birth resulted in death the last time...that is all I know. I can't even picture what it is like to have people visit you in the hospital to meet your living child. All I know is people coming to hold my son's cold, lifeless body. I can't imagine what it will be like to strap my son into his carseat for the first time and drive home. My first born took only one ride in a car...and it took him from the morgue to the funeral home. I can't imagine what it will be like to be at home and hear a baby cry. The only tears that came after Trent were from me and Ken. I don't know what it is like to be a mom to a living child. What if I fail him too?

My heart is heavy tonight. I so wish this wasn't my life. I wish I didn't know this pain. I wish my son was here with me...both of them.

soooo

2011-03-09T19:31:00.001-06:00

I did it...

I took the plunge...

I ordered nursery furniture!

I have been waiting weeks for our tax return...the tax return that included Trent as our dependent for the only year he will ever be. The tax return that I took weeks longer than normal to file because I had to include a copy of his birth and death certificate. The tax return that marked the end of a year that included our son. I have called it "Trent's money" since I filed. I normally don't make a big deal out of our return. We normally don't get much back because I like to have a bigger pay check than wait for my return. But, this year the plan has been to buy nursery furniture. The money was in our account on Tuesday. I have had the furniture in my online "cart" for weeks. I could have ordered it 100x's, but I was waiting on "Trent's money." So, Tuesday I did it...right after I clicked "submit" I panicked...what if he doesn't get to use it? what if he doesn't come home either? what if we set the nursery up and we come home with empty arms again? UGH!!!! These are not normal thoughts when you are pregnant!!! I got an email today saying the furniture had shipped and should arrive Friday. I was giddy with excitement! My fear is still real but, so is my hope.

My 3rd trimester begins on Friday...well, according to most websites it begins Friday...some say it begins the following. I am going with this Friday! Who would have thunk it?

glory baby

2011-03-06T20:09:00.000-06:00

This morning I was reading a blog of a fellow baby loss mama...

this song by Watermark was playing as I read...

I have heard it 100 times since Trent died...

but, today part of it got stuck in my head...

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…

I have thought bout these two little lines all day. In the beginning I searched for the answers that my heart felt like it needed to know...where was my sweet boy?? how was he in heaven?? who was he in heaven?? He was so tiny when he was born. He was so helpless. I needed to know that someone was holding him for me until I could get there and hold him again. It is still a thought that "haunts" me. I say haunt in quotes because I know he is fine...my head knows he is fine. I know he is complete in heaven. But, in what form?? I can only picture him as that sweet, precious, tiny baby that I held for such a short time...as his mommy I need to know he is okay. I need to know someone is holding him for me. But baby let sweet Jesus hold you 'til mom and dad can hold you... Oh, how my arms ache to rock my sweet boy...oh how my heart hurts for all the nights I should have rocked him to sleep. I have spent all day with these thoughts.

This morning I had a picture in my head that brought me some comfort...(I am not saying it is Biblical, theological, or anywhere near what it is like) but, for me today it has brought me peace.

For years I thought I would never carry a child of my own. I had no idea that I would get the chance and in what feels like the same breath have to say goodbye. But, I did. This morning I pictured the nursery in heaven...a room filled with rocking chairs with woman who wanted children of their own but never got them....grandmas who died before their grandchildren were born...moms who died during childbirth and didn't get to watch their kids grow up...a room filled with woman who have more love than they know what to do with...and they are holding our babies. They are rocking them...they are loving them...they are singing sweet lullabies in their ears...they are watching them until we can get there. It is a place where these woman are getting what they so desperately wanted in life and where our sweet children are loved beyond what we can imagine. These women get to spend eternity caring for children until their parents get to Glory. They are holding our sweet angels for us. I know it may sound crazy...but, it could be true. That room could sit in the middle of all the mansions and the streets of gold.

I need to know he is okay. I need to know that as I continue this life he is loved. I know Jesus can't hold all our sweet babies...I am hoping Trent has someone holding him for me. I hope she rocks him and tells him how much I love him. I hope she tells him I will be there one day to hold him again. I hope she tells him of his daddy.

Oh how I miss my boy.

tears

2011-03-05T19:03:00.001-06:00

I have shed a lot of them this week...

but, I want to back up just a little bit...

After I lost Trent I went into an almost coma-like state. I was functioning, but not living. I cried...all. the. time. I couldn't make sense of anything. I was beyond a wreck. I think back and wonder how I even managed to get out of bed and get dressed (and some days I didn't). But, about six weeks after he died I started seeing a therapist...I hated her! I switched to a Christian support group after infant loss and it was more than helpful. I still had lots of dark days. I finally made appointments for Ken and I both to start seeing the "crazy" doctor ... you know the one that rights you scripts for the "good" drugs. It took a few months of testing different drugs and combos of those drugs to get to a point where I felt like I could function and wasn't over medicated. I didn't sleep in the beginning so one of the most important were sleeping aids. I feel like about 7 months after he died my body had "adjusted" to the grief being there all the time and to the pills helping make me me again. It was 9 months after he died that I became pregnant with Ian.

The minute I found out I was pregnant I stopped all drugs...no depression, anxiety, or sleeping medicine for me. I cut out all my pills for my IBS and everything else I was on. It was a little drastic but I didn't want to chance taking ANYTHING while pregnant. The genetic counselor and my OB told me the dosage of the pills that would be safe but I refused to take them. I thought I could just "survive." Not so much. I had a rough few months...you may have noticed in my writing. At about 15 weeks, right after my cerclage was placed, I broke out in shingles...more than likely because of the stress I was putting myself under. It was about 5 weeks later that my mom pulled the "mom-card" and forced me back onto at least my Prozac....best thing I could have done! I hate HATE taking anything while pregnant...but it is a very small dose and it makes me "normal' again. I have been back on it for six weeks and I think it is the best for Ian...because a stressed mommy is a stressed baby.

ANYWAY - all of that is to say this - this last week I have felt super SUPER overwhelmed with this pregnancy (and don't worry mom I didn't miss any days of my pills). I have felt like my body is failing yet another child. I have high blood pressure and now gestational diabetes. I know that these are things that lots of pregnant woman deal with...I just felt overwhelmed with all the diagnosis' and pricks and tests...lots and lots of tears. I see my normal OB every other week and my high risk OB every week. I feel like I live at the doctor. I am glad they are keeping such a close eye on me and my little man...but I am stressed. I got the news on Wednesday that I failed my gestational diabetes test. I went to meet with the nurse on Thursday to get all of my info, testing kit, diet...all that good stuff. When they called me back to take my vitals I looked at my chart which now has a beautiful, large, pink sticker that says "DIABETIC" I cried. I then had to watch a video about being diabetic...and cried through the whole thing. The doctor came in and talked about being diabetic...I cried. I went to Walgreens to get all my supplies and prescription filled and as the pharmasict went over how to use everything...I cried. LOTS and LOTS of tears. I got home and Ken was making dinner...with rice...I can't have rice anymore...I cried. I just felt like such a failure. I took my blood pressure that night and the bottom number was 112. I have to call L&D if it is over 105. I called...laid on my left side for an hour as instructed...and cried. I felt like I had been crying all day at this point. It dropped low enough that I let myself go to sleep and not worry. I woke up yesterday morning and retook my blood pressure and the bottom number was back to 114. I didn't call the doctor right away...I laid on my left side and tired to relax. I took again 30 mins later and it was only down to 112. I called the nurse at the high risk ob...SOBBING...and she said go straight to L&D...but I was not allowed to drive myself. I called Ken at work...crying so hard he couldn't understand me... for me L&D = death. The last time I was ordered there my son died. It scares me more than I can put into words. My nurse from my normal OB called and said to come there first...their office is in the hospital. I was more than sobbing. I was a blubbering mess. Ken left work to come and get me...although I could have called a friend, a cab, or even walked (we live really close). But, I think he could tell I was beyond a mess. We went to the doctor first who took my blood pressure and immideatly sent us to L&D. Can I just say...I was crying. What a mess. The nurses hooked Ian up to the monitors first and he was SO active. The minute I heard that heart beat and felt him kicking away I think my blood pressure dropped by 30 points. They kept me hooked to monitors for the next few hours and finally I dropped into normal levels. They did blood work and everything checked out so I was sent home. I was done crying at that point.

Here is what I decided since yesterday: It is okay to be diabetic. I can handle it. I can eat the special diet. I can test my blood four times a day. I can do it...for Ian...for only about 10 more weeks. I WILL not test my blood pressure at home anymore. I see a doctor at least once a week...most of the time twice a week. They can monitor it for me. It is too much for me to keep track of. It scares me too much. I will discus this plan with the doctor and if he insists on me taking it I will let Ken do it and write it down without telling me. I can do this! I will enjoy these last few weeks with just my son. It is such a special time.

I will try to cry less.

UGH! too much stress...but, I will survive!

his first shoes

2011-03-03T10:51:00.000-06:00

A little over a year ago I wrote this post...

A sad day...realizing I would never get the chance to buy my child his first pair of shoes. I had no idea what the future held at that point. I could not even imagine Ian, or this pregnancy, or hope for that matter.

Yesterday, I had that chance. I bought Ian his first pair of shoes...and of course they were Nike's. There is nothing special about them being Nike's...just happened to be the same brand I blogged about. I tend to not be an impractical shopper. I have a hard time spending 40 bucks on a pair of infant tennis shoes when I know he will not even be walking. BUT, these little Shox were 40% off...so that made it okay.

I have not made much progress on Ian's nursery...still scared. But, last weekend I painted the letters for his wall and Ken hung them. I cried. They were tears of joy and fear. What if I have to take them down? What if he never comes home? All of the baby stuff I purchased for Trent and the stuff I have bought since being pregnant with Ian is in the guest room. It is piled on the bed and in the window seat. I figure this way I can just close the door and not have to see it every day. I am thrilled to have it...just scared. When ever I buy anything new I always take it right to the guest room, toss it on the bed, and close the door. But, these little shoes I left on the kitchen counter last night. I woke up to them this morning. I just smiled at the sight of them. I can't believe I got to buy my sweet little son his first shoes. I can't believe even more that he is inside me, kicking, squirming, and growing. I am beyond blessed to experience it all again.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. UGH!! I mean come on...really! Let's just review this pregnancy shall we??? Stomach flu at 10 weeks landing me in the hospital for severe dehydrathion, cerclage placed at 14 weeks, shingles at 15 weeks (maybe the worst part of pregnancy yet), high blood pressure at 23 weeks, car accident at 24 weeks, and now gestational diabetes at almost 26 weeks...good grief! I was pretty upset last night when I finally got home and started processing it all. But, then I thought...my first son died...all this stuff is easy!!! If Ian arrives safely and alive than none of this will really have mattered at all! I only have about 10 weeks left before they take my cerclage out!!! The exact date has not been determined...it will depend on his size, growth, lung development, my blood pressure...you get the idea. But, the high risk ob would like to see it come out around 35 weeks (ONLY 9 WEEKS FROM NOW!) and my normal ob is pushing for 36-37. We will see!

Amazing isn't it???

100 days!

2011-03-01T18:09:00.000-06:00

100 days until my due date!!!!!! I am still not sure we will make it that far...but we are a lot further than I thought possible for my dumb, broken body!! 25 weeks and 4 days...AHHH! and of course my big man measures in at 26 weeks and 5 days. Who would have thunk it???

I have been thinking alot lately about what life will be like with a living child. I am a mommy, I have been a mommy for a while now, but for me being a mommy is different. I am the mom to a child in heaven. This brings on a whole different set of parenting rules. He is not here for me to put in time out, snuggle, calm down, or even just laugh with. I am his mommy - broken, imperfect, and human - and he is lucky enough to already be standing before the King. He doesn't need me anymore. Most infants need their moms - they get everything from them - food, comfort, love, shelther, nurturing, morals...the list could go on and on. But, my sweet Trent is already complete. His life is already over and he is standing on the streets of gold in heaven. What a wonderful life for him - but for me it is hard. It is hard to be the mom when your child no longer needs you. It is hard to grasp that he will never need me. It is hard to understand that I gave him life, loved him through every second of it, and it is all over.

However, God willing, Ian is a different story. Ian is growing healthy and strong inside my womb. God is knitting together Ian's life in a much different way that Trent's was...and for me that means I get to be a mommy on earth. I want to be the best mom every. I know every one thinks that. But, I was chatting with a friend the other night. She has a friend who is currently letting their child just cry it out at night...letting the child learn their schedule...teaching the baby to fit into their routine...instead of the other way around. I WILL NOT be that kind of mom. I think when you chose to have kids...they become your life. I am not saying I will not still enjoy shopping or quiet time to myself. But, my life will be raising a boy that loves God and will one day be a functioning member of society. I want to be like my mom...she believed in what ever we believed in. She loved us for us. She never pushed us to be someone else. I don't want to 'create' this person who lives my dreams. I want him to find his own way and I want to nurture him as he does. I don't expect a perfect child. I know the road will not be easy. I know at some point I will cry over his decsions as my mom has done lots of times over us. I want him to grow up loved, respected, and feeling like he has found his way. Does that make sense? I have laid awake the past few nights thinking all this through. I think we should approach parenting with clear thoughts and not just 'fly by the seat of our pants.' I am sure much of my view will change as I have the oppurtunity to raise a living child.

I can't wait to meet this little guy! I can't wait to show him the world! I can't wait to snuggle him and kiss him and give him all the love that I can. I can't believe I am far enough along that I have real hope he is coming home with us.

I am blessed.

love

2011-02-24T22:18:00.001-06:00

On the eve of 25 weeks with this little man I am more in love than I thought was possible ... again.

How is it you can love something so fully you haven't even held on the outside yet?

How is it you can be in love with every poke, twist or squirm?

How is it you can love so fully when really you don't even know the person yet?

I don't know...but I do know that I have loved twice this much. I loved Trent from the moment he was growing. I have loved Ian the same way. I had hesitations with Ian...I guarded my heart more. But, the love is so full, so rich, so powerful it is hard to deny.

A mother's love is so hard to explain...tonight Ken and I were laying belly to belly in bed...just one of those special moments where a husband wraps his arms around his wife to let her know she is loved and cherished...I got tears in my eyes as I laid there. I thought "here we are, the three of us." And, of course instantly knew something, someone - our firstborn - was and will be forever missing from the picture. I never doubt Ken's love for me...just the same way I never doubt my mom's love for me...I just hope I can love this little boy with that same love. I never want him to doubt my love because his big brother is already gone. I never want him to feel second best. I never want him to feel like a replacement child.

I love my boys - equally - and in such different ways. I know that is the way it is for most moms. I am one of six children. I would like to say I am the favorite, but my mom has always said she loves us all the same amount just in different ways. How could she love me the same way she loves my sisters? She can't - we are two different people. It is the same for my boys. Trent gave me things that I will never lose. He gave me the title of "mom." That title, even in his death, never went away. Trent gave me my first ultrasound, first morning sickness, first pregnant cravings. He gave me a chance to love in a way I didn't know was possible. Ian gives me hope. Ian gives me a reason to live again. Ian has given me longer to love him than my body let Trent give me. My every waking thought seems to revolve around this little boy. I love him so fully and can't wait to have him in my arms.

Two different lives - two different loves - one mommy.

pregnancy after loss

2011-02-23T11:48:00.001-06:00

Can I just say this is NOT easy!!! Pregnancy alone is/can be hard - pregnancy after a loss is even harder! I just want to enjoy the weeks I have him all to myself. I want to enjoy all his kicks, squirms, head-butting, and even the hicups. I just worry so very much. I am a worrier by nature. I worry about everything. But, I worry about this little life I am carrying far more than anything else. Some days I have to remind myself to pray about something other than Ian. My blood pressure got pretty high last night so I am home in bed today waiting for my doctors appointment at 3. Being at home, in bed, with nothing to distract me gives me plenty of time to worry! 24 weeks and 5 days! Longer than I could have imagined being pregnant. I have a healthy strong boy in me...but, of course mommy has issues.

Last night as I was falling asleep I was thinking how amazing pregnancy really is. I mean we ALL start out growing in our mommy's wombs. All of our mothers felt this anticipation that I am feeling. I am beyond blessed to be pregnant. I never thought I would get pregnant...and I really love being pregnant. I just wish it were easier for my body. I wish I was Michelle Duggar and could carry 19 with little to no trouble. Speaking of Michelle Duggar she gave birth to her last little girl at 25 weeks because her blood pressure was so high. Mine is still considered borderline high...so I don't think we are too that point yet. But, because I have already lost a child I think the worst with everything.

UGH!!! I need an online hobby other than researching pregnant stuff!!! Actually, I need my hubby to bring all my work home so I can be busy with that!

worry

2011-02-22T18:14:00.000-06:00

Today I have been filled with worry and anxiety. I hate days like this! I try to convince myself that it is all good, everything fine, take a deep breath. But, for some reason on days like today the anxiety sets in and I feel like I am right back in the day and weeks after Trent died. I hate feeling out of control and on days like today that is exactly the way I feel. Ian is growing so perfectly and still measuring a week ahead...that all makes me so happy. But, I have been so worried about my blood pressure...I know that doesn't really help lower it to worry so much! I spent the last six months - well really the last year - worried about how my cervix would hold up during pregnancy and now it is my dumb blood pressure. I get headaches and dizzy when it spikes too high...which happened this morning. It makes me sick to my stomach to think my body is failing in some other way...and I can't control it. Deep breaths...I am 24 weeks 4 days...I am praying for at least 10 more weeks with Ian on the inside!

my big (little) boy

2011-02-21T22:09:00.000-06:00

his little feetsies

a cute face

chubby little checks already

I had my 24 week ultrasound today. Ian is still measuring a full week ahead!!!! I LOVE IT!! He weighs in at a whopping 1 lb 12 oz....which makes him my big boy...although at less than 2 lbs he is still pretty tiny! I can't believe it most days! He is growing fast and strong. He is more than double the size of Trent and my body it still holding him in...PRAISE GOD!!! He had all his parts and they were all working. It is always so wonderful and reasuring to see him on the screen! I am having some issues with my blood pressure but other than that we are a happy, healthy mommy - son team!!

24 weeks!

2011-02-18T12:04:00.000-06:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

For me it feels like that magic week that means this little man is finally big enough that if anything went wrong again he would still live.....AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I don't want him to be born for another 12-15 weeks but, if he did his chances of survival are better than Trent's were!

I just can't believe that a tiny 5mm band thick of mirselene tape is holding my son in.

The last 24 hours have been a little nuts ... to say the least! I had my normal weekly monitoring and injection yesterday. My blood pressure was a little high. They monitored it for about 45 minutes and it was averaging 145/85. The high risk OB came in and monitored Ian via ultrasound for a while. He checked the fluid around him, his heartbeat, and the bloodflow to his cord. All was fine...Praise God!!! He told me to go home and stay horizontal for 72 hours until my follow up appt on Monday. He also ordered some blood work and a 24 hour protein test. I left the doctors office and headed to the lab to get my jug for collection. I left and headed home. I was sitting at a stop sign waiting for traffic clear and then...bang, a huge crash. I freaked, jumped out of my car and asked the guy did he not see me???? He said, "I saw you , my breaks are going out." HELLO!!! get them fixed...you just rear ended a high risk pregnant woman who is one day away from viablitly! I didn't say all of that I just burst into tears and said, "I need to go to the hosptial. I am pregnant. I need to be monitored." He was actually nice and followed me...my car was drivable. When we got tot he hospital he ran and got a wheel chair and wheeled me into the ER. I kept telling them I wanted to go to L&D to be monitored. They said they had to make sure I was okay before they could check Ian. The nurse was so nice and kind of whispered, "Call your OB. I guarntee he will say get you up to L&D." I was shaking and so mad they weren't listening to me. I called the OB and he said to take me upstairs ASAP and he would meet me there. THANK GOD!!!! Ken arrived right as they were wheeling me upstairs. Oh the flashbacks! I was so scared. Ian was kicking away but I also felt the familiar feeling of small contractions. I was being wheeled to L&D again...and way before the time my son should be born. UGH!!!

I spent two hours on the monitors and Ian was fine. His heart beat was good. He moved the whole time. The nurses kept me under close watch and the doctor came in and checked me over. He said I was fine to go home and rest up. PRAISE GOD!!!!!! I came home and went straight to bed. I am pretty sore today but no blood, no contractions, and Ian is just as active as ever.

It was the most scared I have been this pregnancy. Today I get to deal with getting a police report for the insurance company, I didn't wait at the scene for the police I wanted to get to the hospital as fast as I could. Can you believe my luck? I mean really???

But, we are good and we are at 24 weeks!!!!!!

blogging

2011-02-17T12:12:00.000-06:00

I am the type of person that starts projects and doesn't seem to finish them. I get wrapped up in the excitement of the planning stages and the organizing, but then when it is time to carry out a task it can sometimes fall to the side. I have a closet full of unfinished projects - scrap booking, quilting, jewelry making, ebay selling, the list could go on and on. But, I started blogging over a year ago and have kept at it. I haven't really even thought about it as a project...more of a way to deal with the unrelenting grief that has surrounded me for more than a year now.

In the first weeks home from losing Trent I couldn't figure anything out to do. I returned to work right away in hopes I would feel "normal." I didn't sleep much and nothing felt right...anywhere. I was beyond a mess. I remember I would lay in bed at night and wait for the rhythmic breathing of Ken's sleep and then get up and search the Internet for anything that would help. I looked for support groups in Midland. I found a few and when i finally got in touch with someone they had disbanded or never started meeting. I googled things like "my son is dead" "how do I deal with this" "my baby died" I had no idea where to turn. Nothing helped. While I was hospitalized I had received hundreds of emails from people letting me know they were praying for our family. I started re-reading those. The comfort was beyond anything I could imagine. After Trent died the emails poured in with people giving suggestions on how to grieve. I didn't read them for a while. I just left them in my in box. When I finally got the courage to start reading them there were dozens from strangers who had heard of us or were praying for us. I had friends and friends of friends who had been where I was. And, the most helpful thing I think i got out of them was the blogging world. I started out by reading the blog of Angie Smith, wife to the singer in the Christian group Selah. Her daughter, Audrey, was diagnosed with a heart defect while in the womb. I started from the very beginning of the blog and read for hours straight. I sat at my computer and cried and cried as her words were my thoughts. I couldn't believe that this happened to others. Our stories are different in the fact that she had time to "prepare" for her loss and Trent was ripped away so quickly from me. But, the death of your child is not something that ever goes away. I read and reread every word she wrote. It brought me such "comfort" to know I wasn't crazy. I wasn't the only person who knew this pain. It was that blog that inspired me to start this one.

In the beginning the soul purpose of this blog was a place I could write what I couldn't say. The words would not come if I was trying to tell people how I was feeling. But, i could write them. I could sit in the quiet, darkness of our home and cry while I blogged about a life without my sweet boy. I cried for hours as I would write posts. I cried as I reread them...but, there was healing in the typing. And, the most amazing thing happened...people joined me on this journey. They weren't sitting next to me on the bed holding me as I cried...they were reading my words and crying with me. They were grieving with me and for me. They were holding my hand through the computer. I got emails and phone calls about what I wrote. It was amazing...my son was in their hearts and that meant more than anything else in the world.

Over the last year I feel like I have become "me." I didn't even know I needed to find me. But, after the death of my first child I found me. I found who was meant to be. I let down the walls that I had buried my heart behind. I spoke with honesty in my words and let them out there for the world to read. And, through that found me.

I can't believe it has been a year of blogging. I can't believe the amazing people I have met on this journey. I can't believe that I know what it means to lose a child.

But, here I am.

Me.

heart day

2011-02-14T21:31:00.000-06:00

My heart hurts tonight. I wish so much that this wasn't me. I wish I could step out of it. I wish I could pick a different story. I wish I didn't know this pain could even be. I wish I was whole again.

I was thinking back to a year ago today. It wasn't an easy time - the pain and grief so so fresh and raw it was over-powering most days. I remember I spent hours the weeks leading up to Valentine's day searching for the "perfect" mommy ring. I wanted a ring for my right hand that had Trent's birthstone. I felt like it would be part of him with me all the time. Hours. and more hours. Nothing "felt" right. I cried and would give up...go back to searching. I visited every site on the internet. I couldn't find anything that was just perfect. I now look back and realize that was because I was trying to fill a void that will never go away. The Saturday before Valentine's Ken suggested we go look at some local jewelry shops. I hated this idea. I hated to cry in front of people (I don't mind so much anymore because it happens so very often now.) I knew looking for a ring would be so emotional for me. But, we set out to look anyway. The first store we went in we were hounded by a sales guy. I wanted to slap him. I just wanted to look in peace!!! I finally told him that my son had died just the month before and I was looking for a birth stone ring in white gold. He was so helpful after that...funny how the death of your child makes people so much nicer. The first ring he showed me was "it." It was perfect. I NEVER buy the first anything I see! I am so indecisive. Did I mention the hours I had spent looking online?? But, this ring was perfect. I looked at Ken with tears in my eyes and without one word from me he said, "we will take it." It had to be sized and the sales man said it would take a week or so. I was so sad to leave without it. But, just about 2 hours later he called and said they had it done! He had told the jeweler our story and he put me at the top of the list. I remember I went back to pick it up and slipped it on my finger...and just cried. I walked to the car and thought, "I have both my boys always with me. Ken on my left hand and Trent on my right." It is kind of silly that a piece of jewelry could mean so very much. But, it was my way of having Trent with me every single day. I don't take it off.

I can't believe it has been a whole year. I can't believe he is still gone. My heart is still broken on this day of love. I just want a different ending. I want to go back and do it again. I want less pain, less grief, less brokenness. I want my first born.

statistics

2011-02-13T14:11:00.001-06:00

I am a little obsessed. I spend hours researching on the internet about babies and rates of survival from this stage on...23w2d.

The youngest baby that has survived the NICU in Odessa, TX was born at 23w3d. She was in the NICU for 12 weeks.

Here are the going statistics:

A reasonably easy to remember guide is that the survival rate is about 40% for all babies born at 24 weeks' gestation, 50% for those born at 25 weeks, 60% for those born at 26 weeks, 70% for those born at 27 weeks, and 80% for those born at 28 weeks.

I really don't want Ian to be born in the next week or so!!! I want a full term, healthy baby boy. I feel like I might actually be able to get that. But, I keep preparing myself for the worse.

In the last year I have spent hours and hours reading blogs and stories of babies dying. I found/find comfort in the fact that I am not alone in this journey...there are others out there that understand my pain. But, in the last week my focus has become on finding people whose babies survived with born too early. It is crazy to read the stories.

I can't believe that I am to the point in pregnancy where I may actually have a live baby at the end.

what hurts the most

2011-02-12T11:18:00.000-06:00

Last night I fell asleep with this Rascall Flats song stuck in my head. I know it is about romantic love, but the lyrics seemed so fitting.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away (not this one, Trent didn't walk away)

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

I just kept singing it in my head over and over last night.

There was a time in my life where things made sense - where everything seemed to fit. There have been painful times too. But, when I look back I could always seem to make sense of all that was going on around me.

The past year nothing has seemed to make sense. I can't seem to make my brain understand any of it.

What hurts the most - is that nothing makes sense anymore.

off

2011-02-08T14:32:00.000-06:00

Today is one of those days...the sad ones. They come and go. I can't predict why they come or when they will go. But, today I woke up heart broken.

I want BOTH of my boys!! I want to watch them grow up together. I want to know what it is like to be a mommy to two living children. And, I can't change it :( Most days I have fully grasped the fact that Trent is never coming back. I will not get to see him again until I am in heaven. But, some days - like today - I woke up thinking it must be a dream. It must not be true. It was all just a nightmare and I will wake up and he will be here. I hate days like today. I am so excited for the new life I am being blessed with. I just miss all that could be.

I feel selfish for even writing this blog. I have two boys...one in heaven and one in my belly. Why can't I just be grateful? I went years trying to concieve and thinking I would never have biological children...and here I have two. I have many many friends TTC and even more in the blogging world who have never concieved. I know that pain too. It makes my heart hurt to be this upset. I just want him back!!!!

I want to be a "normal" mommy. I want to be niave again. I don't want to know of this awful world that exsists where parents out live their children. How did I become part of it anyway? I did everything "right." I went to college, got married, and then had kids. But, none of that matters. It doesn't matter the color of my skin, the degree I hold, the amount of money I make. The death of a child doesn't only happen to "bad" people. It happens to every one. And, I HATE it!!! I hate it for all of us!

So, today I am sad. I am sad for the life I am missing with Trent. I am sad I will never get to watch Ian and Trent wrestle, or gang up on me, or laugh together, or play video games. I am sad I will never get to dress them in matching outfits for pictures. Today I am sad that Ian's big brother is in heaven. Today I feel sorry for myself. Today I would have liked to crawl back into bed and not face the world. But, I didn't. I came to work.

My heart is heavy...and my womb is full. It seems so off.

taxes

2011-02-07T13:39:00.000-06:00

I put on my big girl pants and printed my tax return today.

Does it get more depressing than that? Yes, it does but for it to be on an official government document. :(

At least this year his name is there. Next year it will be gone.

None of this journey is easy.

22w2d

2011-02-06T17:18:00.000-06:00

I spend a lot of time lying on my left side. It is supposed to be the best for the baby...so, I lay on my left. It is so funny because Ian is most active when I lay that way. Today Ken and I laid down to take a nap and I swear Ian was doing summer-salts. He was not just kicking me but flipping and turning every which way. It is such an exciting time - pregnancy. I am to the point where everything is brand new. I have never been 22 weeks and 2 days pregnant before. I love every second I get to have this little boy with me!

I get all these emails about what I should be doing at almost 23 weeks pregnant. They all seem to include exercise which is out of the question for me and my incompetent cervix...but, this week it said it was time to start getting the nursery ready. I wish I could. I just can't do it. Ken and I opted to wait until 24 weeks to start making any of those major changes in our house. Our current guest room is piled high with stuff I bought for Trent and stuff I have added for Ian. The only "big" purchase I have made is the car seat / stroller combo. I did buy a co-sleeper too. We have a loft that will become the nursery. It is currently Ken's man-cave so that will move downstairs to the guest room. I just don't want an empty nursery. We have agreed we would use our tax return to buy Ian's nursery furniture. Have I finished the taxes???? nope. I am always super fast in doing our taxes because I love to get our refund...it is our money anyway so I want it ASAP!! But, this year I have to include a copy of Trent's birth and death certificate. I have them done. I just haven't pulled out his memory box and made copies of his paper work. It should not be this hard!! But, we will get there. I will get the taxes filed. We will buy the nursery furniture. And, the funny thing to me is I am always ready to be organized and prepared. But, I keep thinking I have the car seat and an outfit to bring him home in...the rest can wait. We have a few showers planned for us and I know I will get lots of stuff. It is just the big purchases that scare me. It is not about spending the money...it is about figuring out how to store the stuff if we end up not using it.

We are less than two weeks from viability!!!!!! It is amazing!

1 + 1

2011-02-05T14:45:00.000-06:00

1 year + 1 month = way too long since I held him :(

How is it that life just keeps on going? I wish I knew how to stop it sometimes. I know right after Trent died I wanted the world to stop so that I didn't have to move any further away from him. Here I am 13 whole months later and still wish I could go back to those precious moments he was alive.

Will the 5th of every month ever look different to me? Will I ever not think about the day marking a whole month or year since I held him? I don't think so. You can't fix grief, you can't cure it. It is not a disease that just gets better. There are no pills that make it stop. Time does NOT heal everything. Time continues to mark the months without him. It will never be over. Sometimes I feel like the world is waiting on me to get "over" it. And, I am much better at dealing with life and life without my first born son than I was a year ago. But, asking me to get over it is like me asking you not to celebrate your next child's birthday. How about her 5th? Just skip it. I mean she has been alive for five years...does it really still matter? See my point? Five years alive or dead...they are still your child...and they STILL matter. His 10th birthday, 25th, 45th ... they will all matter to me. Even with a second baby boy on the way....Trent still matters.

One of my blogging friends commented on my last post that she noticed I am closer to my 3rd trimester than my 2nd....YAY!!!!!! That is SO SO SO exciting!!! I mean I feel like I might actually make it into the third trimester!!!! I am starting to have hope that Ian may come home from the hospital with us!!! I am 22 weeks and 1 day pregnant! Praise God!! Less than two weeks until VIABILITY!!!!!!!

birth certificate

2011-02-02T19:31:00.001-06:00

I am "lucky" in the fact that I have a birth certificate for my son. I say "lucky" because I have met woman on this journey whose babies died in the womb and they only get a death certificate. Now, my luck runs out there...I have a birth AND a death certificate. A death certificate is something no parent should ever have to see. The birth certificate was given to us before we left the hospital. We needed it for the funeral home but I can't remember why. I remember when they came to my room to give it to my I thought "look there is Ken and mine's name listed as mother and father." I never thought I would have that luxury...Mother: Trisha Weatherford. I really never thought it would follow with a death certificate.

Today I pre-registered for the hospital. My doctor told me it was time to get my info into the system. It was pretty simple really...just give them my insurance, drivers licensce, and fill out lots of paper work. I was "glad" to get it over with so that Ken would not have to worry about paper work in the event we end up in the hospital in an emergency. The last paper was a work sheet for the new babies birth certificate. I kind of stopped. I had filled one of these out before....only the last time my son was already dead. It kind of triggered some strong emotions. I went to the desk and asked if they really needed this paper now or could we do it once he was born. They said now. I sat down and started filling it out...of course they told me to leave the baby's info blank...it would be filled out once he was born. I just sat there staring at it...will it be followed by a death certificate too?? These are not normal questions! These are not dilemas most pregnant woman face! I really wanted to just walk out...and take all the pre-admit paper work with me!! I wanted to run and hide...pretend I had never asked for it all to start with. But, I put on my big girl pants and filled it out.

Here is what I realized when I got home: I am having a baby. There are no if's, and's, but's about it. Ian is alive and well. He is still kicking, growing, and doing amazing. My cerclage is still holding strong. I am 21w5d and he is measuring just at 23w. I am doing everything in my power to keep him in there for another 12-15 weeks. He WILL come out...the only question is when. He WILL have a birth certificate....the only question is will he get my death certificate before I get his???

I pray more for this baby than I have ever prayed for anything in my life.

21w3d

2011-01-31T10:43:00.001-06:00

On January 5th 2010 I gave birth to the most beautiful boy I had ever seen... I was 21 weeks and 3 days pregnant. He arrived at 8:10 am.

Today, I am 21w3d pregnant with my little rainbow, ian. At 8:11am I was officially more pregnant than I have ever been!!!!!!

Praise God!!!!

What an amazing feeling to get over that mark! Ian is still nice and high in my belly and moving like crazy for most of the day and night! We did it! We made it to my first big milestone!!! I feel relieved...even if just a little bit. My cervix is holding...for now! I don't know that the rest of the pregnancy will be as complication free as these first 21 weeks have been, but it has been nice to be high risk and not high maintenance!

Our next big goal - VIABILITY!!! A baby is viable outside the womb at 24 weeks. This was the mark we were shooting for while in the hospital with Trent. But, the infection took over my body and I had to deliever him to save my life. Feburary 18, 2011 I will be 24 weeks pregnant! The doctors at Winnie Palmer told me that at 24 weeks the baby has a 30% chance of living outside the womb and there are many complications that can come with being born that early. I haven't researched it any further than that. I really REALLY don't want Ian to be born at 24 weeks. I just want to know that I have made it to a point in pregnancy where he has a shot outside the womb! 24 weeks is so close I can taste it!!! My little miracle baby is measuring a full week ahead on ultrasound so really he is the size of a 22w3d baby...makes my heart happy! The bigger he is the better his chances are of survival outside my womb.

At my last appointment with the high risk doctor he said if things keep going the way they are I could give birth to a 38 or 39 week baby...can you even imagine???? My baby born and not even have to stay in the NICU??? I have been preparing myself for a few weeks in the NICU...just so I don't freak out if it does happen. But, I don't want to get ahead of myself too much...

February 18th here we come!!!!!!

amazed

2011-01-29T22:27:00.000-06:00

I thank God every. single. day. for both of my boys.

I really can't believe that I am pregnant again. I went to a baby shower today for another little boy...it was so fun and exciting to watch all that baby stuff be opened and passed around. But, a year ago I didn't think I would ever attend a baby shower again. I remember just a few weeks after Trent died I was invited to a shower of a girl that was due the same week as me. It was like a punch in the gut. I was beyond upset....not because they invited me but, because I would never get that for my little boy. But, today was fine. I was fine. There were no tears, no upset feelings, just lots of laughs and lots of blue! Being pregnant again does not heal my heart...it will never be whole again. But, being pregnant again does make me feel more human. It does give me something to look forward too. It does give me hope.

I am amazed every day that I am pregnant...still, again, ever. It is truly something I thought I would never get to experinece. Trent gave me all my firsts; ultrasound, morning sickness, life inside me. Ian is giving me just as much and more. I feel Ian kick and squirm every day...what a blessing! I am just a few short days (2!!) away from being more pregnant than I have ever been. I feel blessed beyond words. Some might think I am crazy for feeling blessed with one child in heaven...but, blessed I am.

Two little boys...my boys... :)

silence

2011-01-27T14:24:00.000-06:00

My only experience of giving birth came with ultimate silence. I remember when I was first moved to labor and delievery I could hear the mothers in the rooms around me screaming in pain. I can remember hearing the babies cry. I can remember hearing families laughing and celebrating. But, my birthing suite was much much different. I was in the same kind of labor as the woman around me. I was having the same contractions they were having. But, the difference is my son was not going to live. I didn't scream with each contraction. I held tightly to the bed and was silent. I didn't yell for pain meds. The doctors had to force me to take them to save my life. I didn't have a monitor on me to continually hear Trent's heart beat. It was silent. When Trent was born he made no noise. He moved and squirmed...but, he was silent.

I asked Ken last night if he wanted to attend the birthing classes at the hospital. He said it was up to me. I don't. Is that awful? I can't imagine being in a room full of women and their husbands giddy over the impending birth of their child. I can't imagine being there and not being triggered by all I have already seen. For me, L&D is a place of death, not of life. I know that most don't have this thought. I know that most people are just as ignorant as I once was. But, I can't bring myself to attend these classes. I have given birth. I have gone through labor. I know what happens.

But, this time I want to hear his cry. This time I want to hold him and kiss him and feel his warmth for longer than 22 minutes. I want Ken to be there to cut the cord. I want to watch as they hand him to his daddy. I want to cry as they hand him to me...not because my time with him will be so very short...but because he is my miracle.

:)

2011-01-26T10:19:00.000-06:00

First BIG milestone in this race to bring Ian home is here!

YAY - 20 weeks and 5 days with no complication. I realize it is only 10:19am but, I was admitted to the hospital by 5:00am...so, YAY! Praise God for this little miracle and for the miracle of modern medicine that can perform a surgery to keep this little guy inside me!!

I fell much much better today...I had a good cry last night...talked to my mommy...Ken just held me as I bawled...and today I am in good spirits.

I think I will go shopping and buy Ian some fun stuff to celebrate passing this first mark!

20w4d

2011-01-25T18:52:00.001-06:00

I wish I could tell you that my tears have stopped, that my pain is gone, that my heart is okay again.

But, none of that is true.

I still cry for my sweet Trent. I still hurt so very much. And, my heart is still broken.

Tomorrow I will be 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The same gestation Trent was when i was admitted to the hospital. I was taken from Orlando International Airport via ambulance to WInnie Palmer Hospital...and had six more days with him...and then it was all over. I feel very confident that Ian is just fine in my womb...now that the doctors have stitched it closed. But, I have been playing the what-if game the last few nights. In the days that lead up to my hospitalization I had so much discharge. I thought it was normal pregnancy stuff...but, now I know it was probably my cervix effacing. What if I knew then what I know now? What if when the extreme amounts of discharge started I went to the hospital? What if they could have caught my cervix in time to place the cerclage? I know none of the what-ifs change the outcome. I can't go back and do it over again. But, as I am pregnant again and am having NONE of those symptoms I want to kick myself for not knowing something was wrong.

Ian sits right at my belly button. I rented a doppler so I could hear his heart beat at home. I can find it just to the right of my belly button. Trent never got that high. When we were admitted to the hospital he was in the middle of my pubic bone and belly button...looking back I am sure that is because my cervix wasn't holding him up like it should have.

The pain and heartache is different now. I was so in denial for the first few weeks and months I was just sure I must be dreaming. But, now I know it is over. I used to dream of all that should have been...now it is different. I can't explain really why or how...it's just that I accept that he is never coming back. I would give anything in the world to have Trent in my arms and still have Ian kicking away. I would love to know what it would be to have two little boys in one house...but, those are things that I will never know...that is why the tears still come.

I feel like I am rambling...but, my heart hurts tonight...with no relief in sight.

I find myself doing crazy stuff lately. I have this disconnect. I am shopping for baby stuff for Ian. I am talking like he will be here in a few months. But, I am also preparing myself for what I will do if he dies. I don't think I could live through it again. I laid in bed last night and thought of ways I could die too...I am not suicidial...just trying to tell myself that I could go to heaven too...that I wouldn't have to stay and go through the pain again. I don't want to die. I want to live a life with my husband and son. But, I am not sure I can make it if something goes wrong. I am not sure I can hold it together. I am a planner by nature and feel like I need a plan in place incase he doesn't come home. Oh, the thought of leaving the hospital again with empty arms...

I need to stop...I get myself all worked up. He is fine. My pregnancy is fine. I am doing everything medically possible to bring this little boy home.

I need prayers of comfort tonight...my heart aches and my soul is weary.

from Trent to Ian

2011-01-22T12:30:00.000-06:00

(the minute I typed that title I thought of the movie, "From Justin to Kelly" you know the awful one made after season one of American Idol??? Don't worry I am not writing about Justin....or Kelly) :)

I could have titled this one "pregnancy after loss" but, really it is so much more than that....this is not just a pregnancy...it is the creation of Ian's life. And, the "loss" was so much more than just a four letter word...it was Trent's beautiful little life.

I was chatting with a friend last night who lost beautiful twin girls just a few months after I lost Trent. I only know her because we both carry the same heartache from day to day. We are both pregnant again and were talking about what sent us to the hospital before. I have had the hardest time remembering exactly what day in my pregnancy it was when I was admitted to the hospital and then exactly what day in my pregnancy Trent was born. She said to me, "the details are a little fuzzy but the mental images are forever there." Oh, I know that. I can't remember what kinds of drugs they gave me to stop labor. I can't remember the exact number of times they had to move my IV because my veins would not cooperate. I can't remember the names of any of the nurses...even though some would sit and cry with me. I can't remember the names of the doctors...although I remember the one that told me I was very sick and possibly dying myself had a large hair mole on his arm. I can't remember what the room numbers were. I may not know exactly (although I did a little reasearch and I was admitted at 20w5d and he was born at 21w3d) what day it was but the images from those days will never every go away. I will never forget the fear in Ken's face while they did that last ultrasound. I will never forget the lights I stared at as they wheeled me all over the hosptial for tests. I will never forget the gray, cold look of the Orlando skyline when we were finally admitted our room on the ICU/high risk floor. I will never forget the nurse who came in with a bag full of "stuff" that first day. I asked what it was and she said it was for the delivery. (I was able to hold on long enough to deliever in L&D so Trent got a proper entrance into the world). I will never forget the tears my mom cried when the admitting nurse asked if I wanted to bottle feed or breast feed. I will never forget the NICU nurse shaking her head just seconds after he was born, confirming there was nothing they could do to save him. I will never forget his perfect little nose, hands, feet, arms. I will never forget the way he felt in my arms, the way his skin felt against mine, the say he held on to my finger. I will never forget Ken's face when he came into the delivery room to meet his dead son. I will never forget the faces of family that came to meet him through the day. I will never forget the moment we said goodbye and Ken feel to the floor in pure, uninhibited grief. I will never forget him climbing into my hospital bed that night and holding me as we were the only two left in the world. I will never forget the tiny closet they kept his body in as his grandfather was flying in to see him and they didn't want to send him to the morgue yet. I will never forget the time I spent there with him; holding him, rocking him, singing to him, telling him of all I would never get to tell him in his short life. Those things never, ever leave.

So, as I progress in this second pregnancy with Ian you can understand why I am so scared. The moments of Trent's birth and death were hard and painful. Being pregnant with my "rainbow" baby (the child you carry after a loss) is not easy. It is not a pregnancy that I can enjoy on a day to day basis. I try so very hard. But, it is so hard to keep those images out of my head. It is so hard to think of a birthing suite filled with people laughing and not crying. It is hard to think of doctors telling you your son is okay and your pregnancy is doing great (which is all I have heard this pregnancy). It is even harder to imagine kissing him for more than a few hours. It is so hard to not freak out with every pain, every stretch, every thing. But, I am pregnant again...with Ian. A little boy who is loved beyond words.

I can't even explain the love that surronded Trent, Ken, and myself in the days we were hospitalized. The grief people felt for us and with us was beyond amazing. The cards, sweet words, and pain that was expressed...I can't even begin to expalin. And, oh is Ian so very lucky. He is so loved. I think people love this little boy because he brings hope to us...all of us. He reminds us that there is good in this world. He is truly a miracle. I have never felt the love that I have over the last year... Ian will arrive in this world with more love than most will see in a lifetime...and for that I am grateful. And, that is because of his sweet, innocent big brother.

So, as I live from Trent to Ian...my heart is broken and full at the same time.

I have two precious boys that I can call my sons.

And, that makes me the luckiest mommy in all the world.

anxiety

2011-01-21T10:37:00.000-06:00

This was not a word that I understood until a little over a year ago. I had never really known what anxiety can do to a person. It can be debilitating. It can rule your life. It can cloud your every thought with crazy things that might and probably will never happen. But, it over took me for months after Trent died. My anxiety was so bad I didn't feel like I was functioning. I was just marking time. Ugh, the feeling in the pit of my stomach is still so vivid to me. It crippled me for months and months. I could hide it at times. But, there were days when the anxiety was so bad I couldn't even get out of bed. I could barely will myself to the bathroom. Depression was a part of my grief but the anxiety took over. I started seeing a grief therapist and that did nothing for my anxiety. I finally sought the help of drugs. After a few months of testing and trying I found a good combo of meds that didn't make me a zoombie but also controlled my nerves. I felt like I finally had control of something in my life again. The powerless feeling was very common after Trent's death.

In the past couple of days my anxiety is back with a vengence. I feel the "butterflies" in my stomach...my first sign a full blown attack is coming. I hear the irrational thoughts creeping in. I feel like I am falling apart with no control of the situation. Yesterday I took a nice long nap when I got home from work...just to escape the feeling. This morning I woke up with that familiar feeling that it would be much easier to stay under the covers than face this cruel world.

I am 20 weeks pregnant today. Ian weighed in at 12oz on Tuesday's ultrasound. Trent came into the world at 22 weeks and weighed only 13oz. When Trent weighed 12oz my crappy cervix gave out. It could not hold the weight of the pregnancy at that point. I know that Ian's weight is being supported by my cervix at this point. I know that I have the treatment in place for my incompetent cervix. But, it doesn't keep the thoughts from creeping in...the fear of what has been. When I was pregnant with Trent I had no idea all that could go wrong. With Ian I have forgotten all that can go right.

I don't think my anxiety is near the point it was in the height of my grief. I also know what it is now. Before I couldn't explain the emotions I was feeling. I do have hope. I do feel joy...these are things I didn't have before. I just want to bring Ian home happy and healthy. I want him to be born at 33, 34, 38 weeks gestation.

In the past week I have had two dreams about being covered in blood...the first sign something was wrong with Trent. I inspect the TP after each visit to the bathroom. I pray every single time not to let there be blood. Just a few more weeks and I will pass the point of ultimate failure in my life.

Pray I survive

hope cont...

2011-01-20T14:20:00.001-06:00

I am in a support group online that has about 60 other women pregnant with another child after their loss...

This was posted in that group...

How perfect for my day of hope!

A Different Child
poem by Pandora MacMillian

People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

giving up

2011-01-20T09:53:00.000-06:00

I saw this quote online today...

when the world says 'give up,' Hope whispers, 'try it one more time' -- unknown

It made me really start to think about all the times it would have been easier to just give up. When the doctor in Florida told me that I would never carry kids of my own...I could have given up...but, look at all I would have missed. When Trent died in my arms...I could have given up...but, I would have missed out on Ian.

Life sucks a lot of times. I was devestated when the doctor told me to basically give up on having a baby of my own. But, even in the years that followed Ken and I never stopped trying. We never gave up on hope. We were not actively trying to get pregnant when we concieved Trent...he truly was our miracle. God had bigger plans for us. In the days after he died I feel like 100's of people said to me, "You can have other kids." But, I really didn't know if that was true. It had taken us 4 years to concieve that precious little boy. Four long, hard, emotional years. I was 30 when he was born. I kept thinking about how your fertility drops after the age of 30 and my fertility already sucked. But, we didn't give up hope. I opted to lose 90 lbs of weight and here I am carrying my second son. I can't believe I can even type those words...my SECOND SON! I have two little boys. One of which will be waiting in heaven for me when this life ends and the other is kicking me and wiggling as I type. I don't know that I could imagine life without them. I hate that Trent is gone...the tears still come daily for all that I am missing with him. But, he will always be my first born miracle.

There are days when hope feels pretty far away...but, God truly never let go...

wonderful news

2011-01-18T16:29:00.000-06:00

Profile of my big/little man!

All boy...which we already knew...but, they confirmed for us today!

His little footsie!!

Ian looks GREAT!!! All body parts are there and working! He measured a whole week ahead!! 20w4d!!

AND, my cervix was long and closed!!!! 4cm!!! A normal cervix measures 3.5-4.5!

19 weeks 3 days

2011-01-17T19:11:00.000-06:00

I didn't pay this close attention to the days ticking by while I was pregnant with Trent. I guess I really didn't know there was a need to. But, now it feels like every day I get to keep Ian inside is a gift...it truly is. Tomorrow is our big 20 week anatomy scan....but, equally important is the fact that they will be checking my cervical length. The prayer is that my cervix is still long and the stitch is holding. If it has starting funneling or shortening I will be back on bedrest :(

Ken and I went to Babies R Us this weekend. I have already picked out the nursery furniture I would like to buy...they had a deal if you bought two pieces of the collection you got the crib for free. This was an amazing deal...we didn't buy. I wanted to. We talked about it...we wandered around the store thinking we should just dive it. But, we are both so nervous of something going wrong. A nursery full of furniture and a second son in heaven would be too cruel.

I am still praying to make it to our 24 week mark ... again, I don't want to give birth to a 24 week baby...but, I want him to have a chance.

I love my boys so very much...I want the chance to be a mommy to one of them on earth.

dreams

2011-01-13T12:30:00.000-06:00

Last night I dreamt of Ian. He was in his car seat happy as could be. He had a full head of dark hair and big chubby cheeks. (It was funny to see dark hair because I am blonde and Ken was blonde as a child) But, I woke up so very excited to meet this little boy. I had an ephipany moment last night...I can't do anything else. I have had surgery to stitch my cervix shut, I see my high risk OB weekly for 17p injections to keep my uterus relaxed, we have weekly ultrasounds to monitor for movement and heartbeat, I use the doppler daily to check his heartbeat. I eat right. I take it easy. I stay off my fee as much as I can. That is it...the rest is in God's hands.

I have felt unbelievable amounts of guilt in the year since Trent was born and died. I have felt like I should have known something was wrong. I have played the weeks leading up to his death in my head over and over searching for any clues. But, with incomptent cervix there are none. You dialate with no pain, no signs, and then your body has no chance of holding the pregnancy in. I know I could not have changed it or saved him. But, I tried the very best I could on my week of hospital bedrest.

Ian has the very best care because his big brother died first. Ian is monitored and checked because his big brother made sure he would be. I can't do any more than I am doing to help Ian. I have to put it in God's hands and wait to meet this little guy. My prayer is I meet him in May or June. But, if my body gives out and he comes early than I pray the NICU can save him. Again, none of it is in my control. I can worry myself sick...which I have been doing the past few weeks...or I can enjoy this precious pregnancy.

Please continue to pray that my cervix holds and Ian stays put for a good 10-15 weeks more.

what if??

2011-01-12T20:39:00.000-06:00

What if Ian doesn't make it?

What if history repeats itself?

What something different goes wrong this time?

I played this game for months after Trent died and lately I can't seem to get it out of my head for Ian.

I am just shy of 19 weeks pregnant. I was admitted to the hospital with Trent at 21 weeks 4 days. I am so scared of approaching that same mile stone with this pregnancy. I feel like it is the week of doom. I had an OB appt today and everything looked great. I am dehydrated but other than that everything is good. But, when I was 19 weeks with Trent everything was good. I left with and appt for 4 weeks later and the next time I saw my OB I had meet and said good bye to my son. I cried the whole appt today. I asked about all the scenarios that could go wrong. I have to stop worrying so much. I just don't know how.

I would rather be having these thoughts...and maybe I will FORCE myself to have them...

What if Ian is born full term, perfectly healthy?

What if he comes home from the hosptial?

What if the cerclage holds?

choices

2011-01-10T16:32:00.000-06:00

I have lost everything - and in that loss - I have won.

The pain from the last year con not be measured. The pain doesn't every end. I will always miss the life that should have been. I think one of the hardest parts of death is that we have no choice in it. I had no control on what played out a year ago. I still blame my body for failing my son - but, I had NO control. In the days after Trent was born and died Ken and I had choices to make...lots and lots of choices. We had to choose how to handle his body; cremate or bury? We had to make choices about his funeral; what songs to sing, what scriptures to read, what flowers to have, what to say. Once released from the hospital we had to make the choice to stay in Florida with family or to fly back home. The choices seemed clear in the moment. They were pressing and easy.

The choices that came after where not as clear, not as easy, not as pressing. One choice I made was to share my son with the world (via blogging). It was a painful choice. Do I share his pictures? His story? His short life? And, if so what parts, how much, and how often? Do I share the emotions that are so raw and so very painful? These choices I still make. It is clear I chose to share him. I chose to write about him. I chose to let people in on the grief. I have been as open and honest as I know how to be about my pain. It has proven to make me vulnerable and open for criticism. I have gotten harsh words for my openness. But, more than anything I have found love and comfort beyond what words can describe.

My life is defined by loss. But, my hope is that when you think of me death is not the only thing that comes to mind. Death could be all I love for. It could be my only focus. But, I have made the choice to continue to live. Most days I feel that was the right decision...somedays the grief is so all consuming it would be easier to stop living and give up. In this life you get what you focus on. If I made the choice to only focus on death - death is what I would have. I try and focus on Trent's life...focus on my life without him. Life will give life. Focusing on life has given me Ian.

Ian...my sweet second son. I focus on what can go wrong with Ian A LOT. I think it is only natural after a loss. I have to change that. I have to focus on a life WITH him here.

Thanks for walking with me over the past year. It has been quite a journey for me. As I begin the second year without Trent I hope for more hope. I pray for more joy. And, I pray to share pictures of my second and his life with you.

Ernest Hemingway once said,

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills."

Here is Ian at 16 weeks 4 days giving us two thumbs up:

And, here he is from the outside:

I am 18 weeks 3 days:

2011-01-05T00:15:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday Trent!

I miss you so very much! I wish I were laying awake tonight thinking of all the last minute details I need to get done before your big party. But, I am laying here wondering how I survived a whole year without you.

Your great grandpa joined you in heaven today. Look for him...he was a wonderful man.

I love you.

Mommy will never be the same because of you.

i must be dreaming

2011-01-03T19:31:00.001-06:00

right???

How can I be the girl that was "never going to have a baby of her own"?

How can that girl become the woman who is now grieving her dead child?

How can I be pregnant with my second son??

So much of this last year can't be real. But it is.

One year ago tonight we were all hopeful that Trent was going to stay put for the long run. The doctor told me he was moving me from ICU to the "waiting" floor. The floor I would live on for the next few months waiting on my son to be born. I fell asleep with the idea that maybe I would take him home. But, that was not our story. I went into labor Jan 4th 2010. I gave birth to him and said good bye on the 5th. Can it really be true? Can we really be approaching a year?

I am grateful that I had him. I am amazed that his short life has changed everything about me. I didn't know I could love the way I love.

I was on bed rest after my cerclage was placed. I started watching Dexter. In the last season there is a serial killer that they call "trinity." He kills in groups of threes and leaves behind DNA from his dead sister. Two nights ago I was laying awake (I have shingles. I am not sleeping well because of it. They are itchy painful sores covering my back and side!!) I was laying awake thinking about the crazy things grief drives people to do. Here this man kills people the way his sister, mom, and dad died. And then he leaves a smudge of his sisters ashes behind. All of that is to say I had this epiphany moment. I was never supposed to have someone that shared my DNA. Not someone that I created anyway. But, I have ashes of a sweet baby boy that has my DNA and Ken's. It was an amazing feeling. We created life. It was a short life...but, so beautiful. There is nothing that will ever take that fact away. And, now I get another chance. I have another little boy growing inside of me...sharing my DNA. As painful as this year has been I am so very grateful that I have two boys. TWO BOYS. Can you believe it? Yes, one of them is gone forever. But, he changed me forever. His little life will forever be with me. And, hopefully Ian will get the chance to grow up in our home. I am one lucky momma. Most would not see me that way...but, two boys. Two beautiful boys. One in heaven, one nice and warm in my womb...growing and getting ready for the day he can come home.

I must be dreaming...to get the chance to be the mom to two little boys. I will mother them in totally different ways. Trent will forever be my angel. And, Ian is my new little miracle.

It is a good dream...with some painful, awful moments.